Infidelity and Beyond

Can you believe it??!!!

2008-11-11T13:40:00.004Z

I had a bit of a shock the other day. I opened my Hotmail account, which I only use for certain things, such as online ordering, etc, and there was a message from T!! I had used that account to contact her in 2006, following my discovery of an email from her in K's account, so I presume I must still be in her contact list.

It was in Polish, so I ran it through an online translator and it turned out to be an invitation to be her friend on a social networking site that she's just joined (she's obviously on the lookout for her next victim!). She must have clicked to send an invitation to all her contacts without realising that it would come to me.

I must admit I went into a bit of a panic at first. K was quite dumbfounded and doubted that she would do it on purpose (we didn't know what it was all about at that time). I was going to ignore it, but once I discovered its meaning, I decided that I did not want these random emails turning up every now and again, every time she hits a button to mail all her contacts, so I emailed her a polite 'take-me-off-your-contact-list' message with an instruction that I never want to receive any communication from her again. I haven't had a reply so far.

The Final Countdown

2008-07-10T12:34:00.005Z

I have decided to have a break from this blog, as I no longer feel it is doing me any good. The more I think I will post certain things, the more I start to get upset, so it's probably best that I try and get away from the infidelity mindset as much as possible and not keep it so much in the forefront of my thoughts. Also, life is starting to get in the way again so I rarely have time to keep the blog up to date anyway. Not that much is happening now. I think most of the issues I had are dissipating. I don't want to speak too soon, of course. I know I've been there and done that before! I appreciate that the menopausal issues were playing a rather large part in the way I was feeling, so, as I touched on in my previous post, I started on HRT. Quite quickly the hot flushes started to ease off and overall I am beginning to feel a lot better. I knew that the hormonal rollercoaster was partly to blame, but I didn't know to what extent. The previous HRT I tried did not have any positive effect on my symptoms, which is why I came off it, but this one (a patch changed weekly) is much better. Now I can think more clearly and can rationalise certain things much better, which is helping me to achieve a better state of mind.

While waiting for this emotional rollercoaster to slow down, I continued to over-analyse and over-react to certain things, which usually sent me into another depression, which would again make me wonder if I should just cut my losses and go. Things went a bit downhill following the incidents surrounding my birthday in March, but that soon picked up, but I couldn't help putting reasons behind everything K was doing or saying. I connected everything back to the affair and my imagination was working overtime, and I continued to look back to mistakes in our pre-affair relationship, especially when K started to look like he was slipping into the 'old ways' again. It was all very exhausting. Even though I have my off-moments now, when I read through my notebook journal, it makes me realise how bad I really was. So, mostly it's OK now, with the odd blip.

One of these blips happened a few weeks ago. As you may know, K and I work for the same company, although in different offices. At the beginning of this year, K had a new computer, which it was my job to set up. When I was backing up his documents, I did a bit of snooping (he'd had the day off). Stuck in a little-used folder way down in the documents directory was a file named 'thtxt.doc', which was created in August 2006. K was still working in the university office at that time, so he had obviously brought it over with all his other work when he moved to this office at the end of 2006. I opened the file and it consisted of three lines of text, obviously transcribed from a text message, which at that time were still going on. Written in text-speak, which I won't use here, it said something along the lines of, "MDK please do mail when can. Whatever happens I will always love you. Miss your bright eyes, kiss your smooth cheeks, your tender lips, hug your refined bod." I say 'something along the lines of', as I can't now refer to it as it's since been destroyed. At the time I discovered it, I printed it off and put it away in a safe place, deleted the file from the computer, and never let it bother me. A few weeks ago, I recalled it and decided to mention it to K and asked him what it was all about, and why he chose to transcribe this particular message. Unbelievably (to me anyway), he could not remember doing it, and certainly couldn't remember what he'd said to her to elicit these comments! I know it's from two years ago, but I was absolutely dumbfounded, but he assured me that he wasn't making excuses. I know that some waywards use the 'can't remember' card when they don't want to tell something, but I really do believe he was being honest. Why, indeed, would he not want to tell me this, when he answered all my other questions with absolute openness and honesty, some of which would have had far more serious consequences than this issue. I am certainly now of the opinion that he hadn't invested as much into their relationship as T obviously had.

There has been the odd funny moment, too. A few weeks ago, we met at lunchtime and went into Marks and Spencers to pick up a sandwich. We hadn't been in there for some time, as we now have a bread machine and we've been making our own sandwiches. K is rather fond of their pastries, and on this particular occasion he said, "Oohh, I haven't had a tart for ages". I felt like saying, "What about that one two years ago?", but I bit my tongue!!

The triggers still cause me some disturbance. Just about every day there is something Polish, either in the news, on the radio, TV, trucks on the motorway, etc. Recently, there was a repeat of a TV series from last year, where the presenter, Michael Palin (ex Monty Python) was travelling through Eastern Europe. I happened to turn to the channel by accident while I was in the spare bedroom ironing, but instead of switching over, I decided to watch it. It was, coincidentally, the episode where he travels through Ukraine and Poland. K walked in the room as I was watching the programme, stopped to register what was on, and then walked out of the room without saying a word. When challenged later, he did say he wondered why I was watching it. He understood when I explained why. He did say that he'd wanted to watch that series, but gave it a miss as he thought it would upset me. I've decided that the only way to eliminate the bad feelings initiated by these triggers is to embrace them; try to disassociate them from the affair; look at them in a new way. I need to get to a point where I don't react emotionally to the triggers. I have made a little progress in this, partly due to a book that I have been reading, Essential Help for your Nerves, by Claire Weekes, which is helping me to change the way that I am thinking. K has often been quite amazed when I tell him that I get a reminder just about every day. It was only when, one day a few weeks ago, some reference to Poland came on the radio shortly after we'd been discussing this, that he realised I wasn't making it up. He said he now understood and held my hand.

Another trigger was the place we went on holiday in 2006. It seems that everything that happened in 2006 is just one big trigger, and I had extremely bad feelings about the place, so I wanted to replace that memory with a better one. When we were there two years ago, all the text messages and emails were still in full force (although not while we were actually there, as K had bought a new phone by then and left his 'affair-mobile' at work). It was also the start of my many health issues, although I wasn't yet aware that I was menopausal. Anyway, we decided to kill those demons by going again this year, and we went in June for a couple of weeks camping. We had a fabulous time and I really felt that this was a major turning point.

The 'brain fog' that I have been under for so long has made me do some crazy things at times. Some members of the Marriage Builders forum have posted about their obsession with the affair partner and I can totally relate to this. I know that T should really not be entering my thoughts as much as she has been, but I have, in my darker moments, searched the Internet for any trace of her - on the social networking sites, on the marriage scam websites, etc. I haven't, so far, found any trace of her, but on one of my manic quests some weeks ago, I managed to find a lot more information about her on her school's website, including her school email address. Up until then I only had her web-based email - the one I found when I logged into K's old university email account in October 2006. And, alongside her email address were the email addresses of all the other teachers in the school! I almost sent them all a message informing them what a bitch they had in their midst!!

I already knew about her school website, as I was aware of its name and location from when K was involved in the project, but I had never discovered the staff details section before. I had long since discovered the photo gallery, though, which became another target of my obsession. I went through pages and pages of images, trying to find photos of her. I don't know what made me want to do this, as it only made me more depressed. I downloaded some photos - not quite sure why. They are now deleted from my computer, but here she is in all her glory.

Seems she no longer wanted to be a blonde! Perhaps they don't have more fun after all!!

Let's go round again

2008-05-17T20:00:00.000Z

I can't believe how long it is since I last posted. I've still been on and off the rollercoaster and occasionally struggling to keep going. The irrational, obsessive thoughts and the tears keep returning. I do, however, feel a bit more settled emotionally. I realise that I have had similar episodes in the past, and then dropped like a brick again, but it is getting better. I still have moments when I wonder how to get through the day, but these episodes now last hours rather than two or three days. I don't know why I still ruminate over the events of the past two years. One day I can be fine; no drop in mood, triggers not affecting me, and then BAM, I'm at rock bottom again, working over all the details in my head again. I 'know' that I just need to change my way of thinking, but it's the 'doing' it that has been the problem in this instance. All this assessing and analysing has been driving me crazy. I just wanted to get to the bottom of it and be done, but I didn't have a clue what was bugging me. Is the problem T or K? One problem, I think, is that I am angry at myself - angry that I was blindsided and that I didn't make an effort early on to check up on K's stories. I am angry that I didn't take a more proactive course of action. I am angry that I wasn't in control of the situation. I am angry that K still carried on the affair while I became more ill with the stress and the menopause. I am angry at the way the affair ended - very drawn out, with K wanting to pacify T before helping me to heal (if he was even aware that I would need any help to recover). There are still many missing links in the affair story, but I am trying to put them aside as things not needed in order to move on in our relationship.

I think the priority is to make sure that we do not make the same mistakes in our relationship again. I think we are managing this for the most part, but occasionally something happens that makes me wonder where we are headed. I don't know whether my expectations are too high, and that is why I over-react. Take, for instance, some issues that happened around my birthday back in March. The first incident involved my birthday present. When K asked what I would like for my birthday, I said I would like a silk/cotton-mix nightdress similar to one I already have, which I had ordered online a few weeks previously (and which felt really cool, helping to alleviate the effect of the hot flushes), so he placed the order. The following Saturday (which was a few days before my actual birthday) the postman rang the doorbell and K went to answer. He came back into the kitchen and simply handed me the delivery bag containing the item and then walked straight back to what he had been doing. No 'Happy Birthday' or 'Here's your present' - not a word - it was simply thrust into my hand as he was passing! I was most put out, especially after the thought I had put into K's birthday last year. Apart from giving him some money towards some clothing he had purchased, I had ordered a book that I knew he would like (not an expensive gift, but at least I had put some thought into it) and wrapped it up and gave it to him with a lovely card (which is still on display!), so that it was a surprise on his actual birthday. Now it has to be said, we have never gone overboard on birthdays before - normally giving cash towards something has been the norm - but as I had done something different for his birthday, which he really appreciated, I naturally thought that he would remember this and do something similar for mine, making it more special. Anyway, as he walked away, I burst into tears. I hadn't done this purposely to make him feel bad, but of course, once I explained my reason, he realised the enormity of this oversight and apologised profusely.

The second incident happened when we went for my birthday meal at a very nice restaurant in a neighbouring town. We have been to this same place a couple of times previously on special occasions and we really enjoy it. Anway, we were choosing dessert and there was some conflicting information about one of the choices that I misunderstood initially. Now, you might wonder how choosing a dessert would start an argument, but it was incredible how it escalated. I won't go into too much detail, but the gist is that K started to explain what it was about, but I still could not understand the combination of choices available. K's usual method of dealing with someone not understanding something is to explain it in exactly the same way but in a more forceful tone - tending to lose his patience if you don't get it first time. This, of course, sent me into a spin again, thinking he had learned nothing from all this trauma he had caused. There were very few other people dining, and I could hear one of the conversations going on at an adjoining table, so I knew that they would be able to hear our 'disagreement'. I had to ask K to stop, but I was already not now enjoying my lunch outing. He kept on trying to explain about the menu, despite my asking him to stop, eager to get his point across and make me understand it. So, after the meal we came home and I was again in tears.

In contrast, and to show that K can be quite thoughtful, in between these two incidents, I noticed another email from the company stating that an item had been despatched and I thought that a second email had been sent by mistake regarding the nightdress previously received. I deleted the email without studying it in detail. A couple of days later a parcel arrived and K handed it to me with a bit more thought than the first one. I opened it and inside was a silk parcel with a huge ribbon and inside this was a gorgeous pure silk shirt. This was what the second email had been about. So, he had ordered this as a surprise and to make up for the way he had given me the first gift.

March was not a good month in other ways, as I happened to recall that it had been exactly a year since T's final email (out of the dozens she sent in expectation of a response from K following the end of the affair) and I wondered if she might suddenly come out of the woodwork again. I'm not sure how, as she doesn't have K's new work email, but it was a fear I had, and I still think she might reappear at some time in the future. I didn't really want to be remembering the anniversaries beyond one year, but May is the two-year anniversary of when I found the text messages on K's phone. And it was this very week two years ago that K stayed at the hotel where they had their secret midnight trysts. This hasn't actually had the same effect on me as it did last year, so I can see a future where these triggers will not be quite as significant as they are now. In fact, it almost went by unnoticed. I am trying to 'reclaim' as many experiences as possible in order to take the edge off these negative thoughts. Last October I wrote about our trip to the Lake District. I had wanted to go there again so that I had better memories about the place, as it was following my trip there the previous year (when K was over in the Ukraine on one of the project trips) that I discovered their relationship had been more than I had been led to believe. Similarly, our main holiday this year will be to the same place as two years ago. I was, at that time, under the impression that K had ended all personal exchanges with T, but I later found out that they had slept together the week before we went on holiday (when the Polish/Ukrainian group was over here on one of the project visits). Also at that time, I was troubled with various health problems (caused, I think, by the ongoing stress that they were still in contact due to the project), and I did not really have a great time on that holiday. So, every time I think about that time and place it causes me some anguish, which is why we're off there again - to make happier memories to look back on. K fully understands my point of view about this. The next trigger reclaim will probably be a trip to Poland, but that may not be for some time.

To be fair, K has slowly (eventually) come to realise the enormity of what this has done to me. There are still setbacks, as I've highlighted above, but on the whole we are doing good and he is expressing more remorse and understanding. I think his initial apparent indifference after ending the affair was simply his way of dealing with his own demons - not wanting to dwell on things - but I assumed he was simply being insensitive to my needs for recovery. I suppose in a way we were both making the wrong assumptions about the other's actions. After one particularly tearful episode (around the time of my birthday) I expressed my continuing disbelief about how he could have continued the affair behind my back while still expressing his love for me. K admitted that he was being incredibly selfish during that time and was so sorry for all the hurt I went through. For K, this was a huge thing to say. He has never been one to open up and give anything away about how he's feeling, so I suppose I was expecting a miracle to happen in the immediate aftermath of the affair.

As I've mentioned earlier, my low moods appear to be getting better, and I can look back and not experience the same depressing feelings as before. Some of my problems, I know, are not helped by the fact that I have been really (and I mean REALLY) fatigued due to long-term insomnia, and I am sick to death of the hot flushes, especially the ones that wake me in the night. I was taking some supplements formulated for the menopause, but they were not all that effective on any of the symptoms. I recently found myself becoming more upset with the menopausal issues, especially the hot flushes, than with the affair issues. They were probably intermingled at first, the menopause starting as a result of the stress caused by the affair, but I think the menopausal issues have now taken more of a front seat. Earlier this week, therefore, I went to see my doctor and agreed to have HRT. It is something I've fought against since all this started, but I have now had just about enough and, as my doc said, I needed to get my life back. So, on Tuesday last, I started on a fairly low dose oestrogen patch which is changed once a week. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping for a new lease of life!

Closer to closure

2008-02-22T13:00:00.009Z

Although I feel a lot more settled now, I have been thinking long and hard about why I still get this anxiety now and again. If it is affair related and not hormonal, I want to get to the bottom of it so that I can deal with it and move on. What's really bothering me with all this? Why can't I just settle down and get on with life? Why does T bother me so much? Why do I keep running imaginary situations through my mind? I keep thinking the project will resume and I dream up different scenarios as to what might or might not happen if it did? Could I get T replaced with a different translator? Could I prevent K participating? Could I play a role in the project this time, and watch over what happens? It's all very exhausting. THIS THREAD on Marriage Builders gives some insight as to why we obsess over the mistress so much. It's not just me, apparently, who goes through this obsession.

So, first and foremost, I need to get to work on eliminating this obsession with T, and what she may or may not do in the future. I do understand that when she is in my thoughts, she is controlling my life, rather than me controlling my own life. She will not do this to me any longer - she will no longer hold that power.

Turning my attention to home, I have been trying to think if there is still something that K has or has not done which may still be bugging me and that I need to deal with. Perhaps I've been transferring all my anger to T and not dealing with the real issues here. Perhaps that's why I've been on the verge of leaving so many times when the slightest thing happens to upset me. So, I've done some deep thinking and tried to be logical about it. There are still a couple of sticking points that keep cropping up, but I am loathe to bring them up again and again. Perhaps we never worked through them properly. Perhaps they are things I just need to forget and not worry about. I am trying to remember that K deals with things in a totally different way. I think he did feel remorse and guilt; he just didn't show it too well.

I don't think I've cried for almost two weeks now! That's a feat in itself. I'm also undergoing a course of acupuncture, which I have to admit appears to have made a little difference to my sleeping (after only two sessions). I still wake up in the night, but somehow I feel more rested in the morning. Perhaps all the supplements are now having an effect too. I think it's a possibility that I haven't been absorbing them properly, with all the turmoil my system has had over the past two years. I certainly feel a bit more alive, although I was quite tired last night and fell asleep in front of the telly again. I am conscious that I have to take it easy so that my already-lowered adrenal function does not suffer even more. We have started to go out walking at the weekend, and that has been very invigorating. At first I was reluctant and would have been quite happy to potter around the house all day, but I forced myself and I am really glad I did. I'm looking forward to this weekend's trip now. I'm not sure where we're going yet, but we have had two trips to the Yorkshire Dales (pics will follow), so it may be somewhere different this week.

I haven't heard any MPeople songs for some time and this one was played as we were on our way to work the other day. I bought the album (Bizarre Fruit II) when it was released (1995), and this song always inspired me. I think I was in a personal development phase at the time. Heather Small, she of the 'big hair', has a very powerful voice. I wasn't sure whether the band, from Manchester, England, were still going, but looking at one of their fansites, I see that one of the tour dates last year was in Poland!! (You see, I can't get away from this, even doing the most innocuous of things) Anyway, I was quite uplifted when I heard it again, and I have been humming it to myself ever since to see if it might lift me up some more. Mind you, the following song was 'Heartbreaker' by Dionne Warwick!! Sometimes you just can't win.

Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes.
A train arrives but never leaves.
It’s a shame.
Oh life - like love that walks out of the door,
Of being rich or being poor.
Such a shame.
But it’s then, then that faith arrives
To make you feel at least alive.
And that’s why you should keep on aiming high,
Just seek yourself and you will shine.

You’ve go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.

In this life, long and hard though it may seem,
Live it as you’d live a dream.
Aim so high.
Just keep the flame of truth burning bright.
The missing treasure you must find
Because you and only you alone
Can build a bridge across the stream.
Weave your spell in life’s rich tapestry -
Your passport to a feel supreme.

You’ve go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.

Today....

2008-02-14T20:43:00.004Z

.....I received this. Taken in semi-darkness with a mobile phone, hence the quality, but I was a little surprised by this, to say the least, as we don't normally do Valentine's Day. It's been a long time since K bought me one of these. I was totally bowled over.

Edited 17/02/08 to add some better photos. I wanted to take some nice photos before it faded away. I could perhaps do even better than these. I would like to frame one or two, as a reminder.

Taking control part 2

2008-02-09T05:30:00.000Z

Well, another night of waking early so here I am at 5.30am!

I know you're supposed to take baby-steps when making a plan of action to do something, but I need to do many things at once in order to get to my goal, so perhaps putting them in writing will keep me more motivated.

Apart from my idea to try acupuncture, the nutritionist did give me a bit of advice about how to deal with my low adrenal function. She did say that I shouldn't do anything too strenuous in the way of exercise, in order not to drain the adrenals even more, and suggested yoga or tai chi. I mentioned this to K and he thought we had a tai chi video somewhere. I can't remember buying one, let alone watching it, but he found it last night. Unfortunately, when we hooked up the video player it appeared to be dead. We tried another video, which would not play and it got stuck inside the machine. It hasn't been used for some time, as we bought DVD recorder some time ago. This also had problems a while ago, but we then had Sky+ satellite installed, so we don't need either any more, as this records straight onto a hard drive in the satellite receiver box. We do have a spare DVD player, and I think the recorder still plays even though it no longer records, so I might look for a DVD this week.

With regard to external triggers, I've stopped looking at lorry number plates, just in case one of them is Polish registered. Of course, consciously NOT looking still causes some emotions, but eventually it will be second-nature and it won't act as a reminder trigger.

There are some issues that I'm not sure how to solve at the moment. Such as why some songs bring negative thoughts into my mind. And sometimes, bringing my overactive imagination into play again, I imagine scenarios where I could have done something different about this. I imagine back to when I found the text messages and see myself being more in control and not being a doormat. I look back to certain incidents throughout the time they were still in contact, before d-day, and I imagine a totally different outcome where I am able to stop things progressing; and that if I'd known about Marriage Builders back then I would have been able to do this or that, as they suggest.

I know all this is just rehashing the affair over and over again, to no real purpose, but I really hate it when things overtake me. I need some mind changing tactics, but I will work on that. I don't think this is causing me too much grief, and I think the other things, especially the health issues, are more important at the moment. Once they are sorted perhaps this latter issue will fall into place.

Anyway, we're off out today, so I'll go and wake K with a cup of tea and catch up with you later.

D, checking out at 06.20.

Taking control

2008-02-08T15:00:00.000Z

Since my previous post, I have been taking stock of the situation and attempting (as far as I am able) to think more clearly about all the stuff still preying on my mind; assessing where I'm going wrong; and trying to formulate a plan to bring it all to an end, by whatever means possible. I have come to certain conclusions as to what MAY be causing these ups and downs, so I need to attack those things head-on, otherwise I will never recover, either mentally or physically. Apart from the hormonal rollercoaster, there are certain things that I believe are contributing to my inability to fully recover and really enjoy life. This may all sound very crazy to some people, but believe me, if you've lived through something like this, anything is possible. I don't think I'm unique in having these obsessions, according to things I've read.

Yesterday was a very bad day. We were supposed to be starting our new health regime by going swimming after work, but that was cancelled as I woke with a bit of a headache which never really went away, despite taking painkillers. Later in the day I started to feel quite nauseous and we had to leave work early. I did later manage to eat a little food and when K went to watch some football I decided that I had to make a start on addressing my problems. I rested on the bed and thought about the major stumbling blocks holding me back and what could be done about them. I have been quite emotional for a few days now, so trying to think clearly did not come too easily.

Firstly, I needed to address my very unhealthy obsession with T - which includes her motive for the affair (as I have assumed, correctly or incorrectly), but also her subsequent actions when it was ended, and mainly revolves around the comments in her emails, particularly the veiled insult towards me in one of her final emails (I think this may be one of the major stumbling blocks in all of this). So, on this score, I have now moved all the emails (which had been printed off and were sitting in my bedside drawer, and looked at on a fairly regular basis), placing them in a sealed envelope in a place where I do not regularly look. I initially kept them for the purpose of producing them as evidence of harassment if she'd carried on with these emails, but at least they are still available should she decide to start up again. I know if I really wanted to continue looking at them they are reproduced on the other blog, but at least there they have my responses to her ramblings, which makes me feel a little better about them. I should, perhaps, try looking at these emails (and T) in a different light - see if I can bring myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. She may, after all, have been quite genuine in her obsession with K, and genuinely distraught when it ended. Perhaps my thinking could be changed to feel some empathy towards her. We'll see - I'll have to really work on that one.

Next are the anniversary trigger dates, which I can just about remember without too much prompting (e.g. in February two years ago, there was the incident with the 'icy stare' from T, when we all met up to go out for the evening when the group was over here. And one year ago this week, K received one of the final emails from T). All the pertinent dates (when K was over there, or they were over here) were marked in my diary pages of 2006, which, for some reason, I had held on to. I occasionally looked through the pages (they were with the emails) and noted certain dates that jumped out at me as being significant anniversary dates. I was under the impression that this was not causing me any problems. So, to address this issue, last night I had a 'shredding ceremony' where the diary pages went through the paper shredder. I would have liked to have burned them in the chimenea, but it was quite cold out, and getting a bit late to be outside trying to light a fire!

Even after doing only those two simple things I immediately felt a lightness I haven't felt in a long time. The lightness wasn't to last, though, as I had an absolutely horrendous night, waking at about 1.30 and not being able to get back to sleep at all. At 3am I just burst into tears (again) and went to make a hot drink. A short time later K came down and persuaded me to come back to bed. I thought I would never stop crying - it was awful. Why does sleep elude me like this? We just laid there holding hands and eventually somehow fell asleep. I had cancelled the alarm, which normally goes off at 5.50, thinking we would probably be awake by then anyway, but was amazed when I finally awoke at 7.15. I still felt like death warmed up, and was in two minds whether to go to work or not, but after a shower and breakfast I felt I could face the day, albeit my eyes didn't quite feel fully open. I've managed to get through the day OK.

Next on the list is to address the health issues, or at least try to. I am still taking loads of supplements, but I don't know whether they are just not having any effect, whether I'm taking the correct ones, or whether I'm simply not absorbing them properly. I have ditched the nutritionist for now, but I had been thinking of trying acupuncture, as I'd read that it can help with menopause issues and insomnia, so today I found a clinic in the centre of town where I work and I have booked in for a treatment next week, so we'll see how that goes. I'm certainly avoiding HRT if at all possible, although I almost admitted defeat the other day. To get the fitness regime started, we are going out for a nice walk tomorrow in the fresh air, and we may possibly try and fit in the swimming as well on Sunday morning, depending how I feel on waking. If not, we will go one night after work next week, as we'd intended yesterday, to the one in town. I am also trying to go on the exercise bike a couple of times a day. Once the weather gets better, we will get the proper bikes out. So, some action there.

Looking at this more logically, and feeling a bit more at ease today, I don't think I need to get away - I think that was just a knee-jerk reaction to the way I am feeling at the moment, brought on by hormonal imbalance and extreme fatigue. I have to remember to look above and beyond the immediate feelings. I'm already feeling a bit more confident of better things to come. I just hope this confidence will last! And that the better things do arrive!!

Just my imagination, once again, running away with me

2008-02-06T21:21:00.000Z

I can't stop it! Why, oh why, do I keep on with this? It's so infuriating to be constantly in a whirl about things that may never happen, or still fretting over things from the past. I thought that writing the other blog would purge this remaining anger, but still I keep thinking that I would really like to go over there and give her a good slap. I am retaining far too much resentment over this - and I think some of it is towards K, and not just T. I've been losing my temper at really trivial things (probably the hormones at fault here), which makes K flare up and then we're not in the best of moods again. Then my imagination really does run riot, and I think that I really would be better off out of it and start to plan my means of escape from this torment. Trouble is, I still don't know whether I am fully able to decide whether this is the right choice or not. And would the torment go away if I was on my own?

Early on in this nightmare I was very tempted to leave (several times), but thought perhaps it was not the time to make such a rash decision, when all the emotions were very raw. I tried to concentrate on the good times and put the bad times behind me, but they always came back to haunt me, as they appear to be doing now. We're not exactly falling back into old habits - it is 100% better than our 'old' marriage - but we're just not quite there yet in terms of having a 'perfect' relationship (whatever that is). I just wish I could turn off my brain for a short while.

Perhaps it's the hormones. Perhaps it's because I'm so exhausted through not sleeping. Perhaps I will just never fully get over this. I don't know which way to turn. I just wish it would end.

Time flies

2008-01-29T11:25:00.000Z

Well, it's our 26th wedding anniversary today. I really don't know how we got this far. Last year I thought it was over, as our 25th wasn't all that spectacular, I have to say. I cried this morning (waking up at 03.30 again didn't help) and after tossing and turning for an hour or so, and the relaxation recording on my mp3 player not having the desired effect, I came downstairs to the computer and made a cup of tea. K stayed in bed, but came down a while later with a lovely card and I cried again. The verse was very loving, but not too mushy. Our cards to each other have never been mushy, but neither have they had long, flowing verses. Always short and to the point. We've never done 'sentimental' as it's something K never appeared to be into - being a very matter-of-fact person. So now he's buying cards with long, flowing, sentimental verses. I expressed a certain regret that our relationship wasn't like this before. Anyway, we're off out for a nice meal at the weekend and possibly a walk in the countryside. We haven't really been out anywhere for some time.

On the subject of cards, the one I bought K for his birthday last August is still on display! The verse in that made him cry, and when I asked a while later why it was still on the shelf, he said that it meant a lot to him. I don't know how long it will be there - perhaps until the next birthday! Whether he actually reads the verse now and again, I don't know. Maybe it's there for when I go on one of my mood swings and he can look at it and be reminded of my true feelings for him. I think he gets a bit anxious when I start to go downhill.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist last week, and the results of my saliva tests are that I have Adrenal Fatigue. I have to say that, although I've felt a bit better with the stuff she's been recommending, I think we've been going round in circles, so I told her that I was giving it a rest for a while, and that all this health anxiety wasn't helping me either. (It could also be that time is a factor, and I may be getting to the stage where things are not troubling me as much as they were a while ago) She understood, but wouldn't prescribe anything further without me being monitored, so she just suggested tai chi or yoga and some mild exercise, and to drink herbal teas containing ginseng and liquorice to boost the adrenals. I recently started some herbal supplements (as read about in a menopause book, not prescribed by the nutritionist) and the hot flushes do appear to be getting fewer and less intense.

The sleep recording I mentioned earlier is OK, but I am not too sure that it will work. Previously, I've set the player to play once and then stop, but I wake in the early hours and have to set it going again in order for it to get me back to sleep. Depending on the time of waking, this may or may not work. Last night I set the player to keep looping so that it would play all night, but that still didn't work - I woke at about midnight, then 02.00, then 03.30 and that was that till I decided to get up at about 05.00. By then I was a little fed up of the plinky-plonky tones and jungle sounds! This is one thing that I wish I could get sorted, as I have tons to catch up on, but it all seems so overwhelming at the moment, being constantly fatigued. K is trying to help, but he's not too full of beans himself. Ah well.

It's not important

2008-01-20T20:46:00.000Z

I have adopted this new motto to help me stop obsessing about the affair. I've decided that I must stop worrying about the events of the past couple of years, stop obsessing about T, especially now that I have done my 'reply' to her emails, and stop with all the information on how to survive infidelity. Whenever I start to think these overwhelming negative thoughts, I just say to myself, "It's not important" and try to replace them with better thoughts - not easy, but at least I'm trying now, whereas previously I was letting the negative thoughts win. As I entered this new phase, I decided to have a new display name and profile tag line. I am no longer 'just surviving' - I think I have well and truly survived! And I think I have come to terms with it all now, so I am moving into this new future in a better frame of mind.

I had a bit of a setback with this process the other night when I had trouble actually getting to sleep (normally I can drop off OK - it's the waking later in the night that's the problem, and sometimes not getting back to sleep again). This was my overactive imagination at work. I have always had a habit of creating scenarios in my head. Sometimes this helps in problem solving, and sometimes it's a means of escape from everyday life: imagining all sorts of weird and wonderful events! I've done this all my life. Anyway, the other night I was dreaming up an imaginary scenario where the project started up again and I was arguing with our boss about whether K should be involved, and writing to the project leader in Poland trying to get T replaced as translator. This all came about because I remembered there was talk that there may be a second phase of the project after about a year/18 months (but it depends on funding). I started to panic that something might happen soon and I was just working through in my head what I would do if it did - trying to figure out all the alternatives if boss didn't agree. I like to be prepared for any eventuality. Of course, it was totally the wrong thing to go to sleep on!! It must have taken me almost two hours to drop off, but I was still awake again a couple of hours later, and again a bit later. Needless to say, I wasn't too good the next day!! So, this fired my resolve to start changing my thinking.

So what has made me reach this turning point? Probably the most important reason is for my health and well-being. All this stress was really dragging me down, as well as having to cope with the hormonal rollercoaster as well. At least my other gynaecological issue (mentioned a couple of posts ago) seems to have been sorted out. I have been on various pills and potions since May 2006 and it's not been fun, but I think I am almost at the point of conquering the health issues. At least I hope so, because I can't go on with the disturbed sleep for much longer. The mood swings seem to be easing a bit now - I can go longer without a major breakdown and they don't last as long. I have some more supplements arriving this week, which I hope will sort me out a bit more, and I see my nutritionist on Thursday for the results of some tests I had to see if I have an adrenal fatigue problem. I think it will be my last appointment, as it's cost me a small fortune over the last six months in consultation fees and supplements and tests and dietary extras. I think I now know what needs to be done.

Sleep is still the main problem, coupled with the hot flushes. Some nights are better than others. I have discovered that alcohol doesn't help with the flushing, especially at night, so I have cut back - not that I drank a lot anyway. I have been trying a sleep CD, but it hasn't worked very well and I'm returning that for a refund, but I have another meditation/relaxation tape, which I have had for some time, and which did help a little when I last used it (mid 2006, after discovering the text messages and before I discovered the affair had been physical and not just emotional) so I may try that again. I'm not sure, though, if meditation techniques will work if there's some underlying physical condition at play. We'll see. I think I just need to calm down more and stop worrying about stuff - it's something I've always done, but it's never affected me as much as this. I seem to be turning this into a health blog!!

Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's our 26th wedding anniversary this month - it doesn't feel so long ago it was our 25th. I certainly feel much better about this one.

Happy New Year

2008-01-07T18:00:00.000Z

A very happy and healthy New Year to everyone. I know mine is certainly going to be a lot happier than the last year and a half. Healthy I don't know about yet, as I'm still trying to get my hormones to settle down and they're not playing ball. My mood has been a bit up and down over the holidays, but nothing too drastic and I've managed to pull through and enjoy things, on the whole.

We have been back to work already, and we went in for a couple of days during Christmas week, as we didn't have enough leave to have the whole week off. I enjoyed it, though, as we had a couple of new computers delivered and I spent the two days setting them up. And there were only three of us there - K, me and one other colleague.

This should have been our first full week back since before the holidays, but I had to ring in sick today. We went with my sister to a cousin's 60th birthday lunch yesterday, but I was already a bit tired when we set off (due to sleepless nights), and it's two hours drive away, so I didn't feel too sparkling when I went to bed last night, but I had one hell of a night (more hormonal hell - waking frequently with hot flushes) so I really couldn't summon up any energy to get out of bed for work today. Also, the tiredness made me a bit stressed and a little over-sensitive, and when K and my sister had their usual tiff over some minor matter, it made me a bit emotional. The same happened on Christmas day when sis came to lunch, but K later apologised to me for reacting to her comments the way he did. I had to leave the room at one point so that I couldn't hear them. It happens every time they get together. Mind you, my sister could make the Pope swear!! She talks you to death but she never listens to you. But I'm used to it, even though I do explode every once in a while. Yesterday, though, K thought he was not at fault at all. Still, it upset me to see this conflict yet again. Normally, I wouldn't let it bother me, but the hormonal ups and downs have turned me into a quivering wreck.

I don't think there is any part of the affair still bothering me. I do have a little trigger now and again, and K is talking about Poland as a possible holiday destination this year, which might be an issue, but all in all I think I'm fine. I just wish my menopause would hurry up and end!!

I mentioned a little while ago that I had some residual anger at T and wanted to get this out of my system. I have written a letter in which I have replied to some of the more outrageous comments she made in her numerous emails to K when he ended the relationship. K even suggested I do this, thinking it might move me forward. I certainly felt better while writing these responses, but I don't know how permanent or not this feeling is likely to be. You can read my ramblings HERE. Be warned, it's quite long, and very rambling. I probably haven't made a lot of sense in certain places, but it will do. When K knew that I was going ahead with it, he even made a comment about emailing her the link!! I told him that I wouldn't be doing that - I'm not that vindictive. On the other hand......

Finally, I looked at my Sitemeter stats today, and noticed that someone had arrived here a few days ago by searching 'Ukrainian bitches' - well, I don't know if I would have put it quite so politely!!

Back to the story

2007-12-06T08:46:00.000Z

Despite my recent upbeat posts, I have to say that my moods are still swinging up and down a bit, probably as a result of the hormones still being a bit unsteady, although it is much better than it was. It's during these drops in mood that I continue to dwell on certain aspects of the affair, but these periods do pass more quickly than they used to, thankfully. This is a 'trigger' period, though, so perhaps it will all go away with the turn of the year - then I won't be constantly saying, "this time last year....".

This time last year, K had recently returned from his final trip to Poland, and this was the period where he was being bombarded with emotional blackmail emails from T, which lasted until March this year, in fact. I laid in bed this morning thinking to myself that I don't want to continue this trend with, "this time two years ago.....", so I really hope that my moods and sleeping problems can be sorted out soon.

I found the following on MB today, and I thought it was a really good explanation of how I've travelled through 2006/2007. People can go backwards and forwards along this scale in the early stages, but I think at the moment I may be fluctuating between point 15 and 17. Some days I accept things and feel we're moving on, but sometimes I just feel a great sense of loss and wonder why it had to be this way. I do feel that I may even occasionally slip back even further - guilt being the main emotion. Guilt that I let our problems slide even further downhill. But then again, K could also have made some effort to address these problems, so I know I shouldn't take all the blame.

Stages of grief following betrayal through adultery:
1. State of Shock.
2. Unbelief (that this is really happening).
3. Express Emotion (tears, anger, rage, confrontational attacks).
4. Deep Hurt.
5. State of Helplessness with Panic Attacks.
6. Grieving begins.
7. May feel sense of guilt.
8. Resentment begins to mount.
9. Fear of abandonment.
10. Shame at this being exposed to others.
11. Appeasement attempts.
12. The Process of Letting Go begins in earnest.
13. Sorrow and Tears Stage.
14. Reality Sets in and Hits Hard.
15. Loss is deeply felt at this level. The Intense emotions are more subdued.
16. Inner Strength begins to slowly build.
17. Acceptance Stage. Acceptance to things that cannot be changed and life goes on. It is at this stage that a person makes an inner choice to become either a bitter or better person. Having gone through the pain of betrayal, either forgiveness or hate will rule the thought life.

Another reason for my being a bit 'downbeat' lately, apart from the menopausal issues that persist, is that I am starting to get painful intercourse again - not quite as excruciating as it used to be, but there's obviously a problem, probably connected with my hysterectomy (which was some years ago, and definitely the root cause of all our intimacy and relationship problems), so I am going to the hospital to see a gynaecologist next week to get that looked into. There was also some slight bleeding, so my doctor ordered some swabs the other week, which showed an infection for which I had some antibiotics. The bleeding has now disappeared, so far, but I can only hope that this is nothing more sinister. I am probably jumping to all the wrong conclusions, as I am prone to do, especially in these 'hormonal times'. I get lots of crazy thoughts sometimes when the hormones start swinging.

After making a comment on Naive's latest post, I just happened to look at the website of a company from which I'd just ordered something and found THIS article, which explains, to a certain extent, why men deal with emotional situations in a totally opposite way to that of women.

OK, I'm going to be brave!!

2007-11-28T21:11:00.000Z

As I mentioned in a previous post, a few weeks ago K and I had some portraits taken in celebration of our 25th Anniversary, which was actually in January of this year, but at that time I was doubtful that we would still be together, even though we went on a lovely anniversary trip at the time. So, feeling much happier now, I decided that before the year was out we would have some photos taken, one of which will go into the silver frame bought for us by my sister.

We had about 50 images taken, which were given to us on a CD. Normally they only give out a few proof shots, but as this was a freebie by friends, they gave us quite a few of the better images for me to do with as I like. I have had to edit some of them - mainly getting rid of wrinkles!! I had my hair and make up done that day, but the make up (some new stuff I decided to try) turned out to be a bit dark round the eyes and I didn't have time to wash it off and do it again, so I've also had to do some work there, so that I didn't look like I hadn't slept for a month. Not too sure that has worked, though! The lighting also wasn't too good, as it was in a makeshift studio set up in a living room, and there was some glare coming in from my right side. By the time we discovered what it was, we had almost done. I'm making excuses - they're not all that bad, really.

We changed from formal to casual clothing part way through. I wore my silver necklace and earrings that K bought me for our anniversary, and K wore his silver tie pin that I bought him, which you can't actually see on any of these particular photos. We haven't done anything like this before, so it was all very strange, but as friends were taking the photos, we were soon relaxed and having a good time.

Enjoy!!

All working again

2007-11-26T11:40:00.000Z

We arrived back home from work the other night to find a message that our Internet was now live, so I set up the modem and we were up and running within minutes. Hoorah!! But I hope this doesn't make us neglect other work we need to do. While we've been offline we've managed to make a start in sorting out the years of accumulated 'stuff' that we have carried with us each time we've moved house, and even more that's added to it since moving to this house. Still plenty more to sort, though! And K managed to decorate the 'office' while it wasn't in constant use, but we really need to get other rooms done, too, as they haven't been done since the builders moved out. It's neutral and clean, but I'm sick of magnolia walls and paintwork now.

So, I will get back to posting more updates soon, and possibly the anniversary photos mentioned in my previous post, if I'm brave enough!! Oh, and there will be that other blog coming soon, which will basically be just one post responding to the emails of the 'amoral interloper' who turned our lives upside down and back to front. You won't need an invite as it's not going to be private, but if you leave your email I will let you know when it's live. The content is coming together nicely, and I have to admit to feeling a lot better having written down answers to some of her more outlandish comments.

Almost there!

2007-11-21T13:33:00.000Z

We now have a phone line, and the Internet should not be too far behind. The new modem/router came today, but we don't know the go-live date yet so I can't set it up at the moment. The Sky+ service was installed last weekend and that is fab. So many channels; so little time!

Just to update you - we're doing fine. Well, except the chest infection from which I'm recovering that kept me off work all last week. It's still hanging on, but I'm better than I was. I don't have as many 'down' moods, I've noticed. I'm not sure why, really, perhaps just moving on at last. Also the hormones are a little more under control with diet and herbal remedies. I had some blood tests last week and get the results this week, just in case there were any abnormalities in my thyroid or adrenal function, as my nutritionist thinks. I think this current infection has lasted longer than normal because my body has been under so much stress for the past year and a half.

A few weeks ago, as I realised how much better I was feeling about our relationship, I decided to ask a couple of friends at my camera club (a father and daughter who run a photography business doing weddings and portraits) if they would take some portrait shots of K and I, in celebration of our Silver Wedding anniversary. I know this was actually back in January, but back then I really didn't feel that I would still be here this long - my emotions were all over the place and I could have packed it all in at any time, even though we had a good time on our trip and our relationship appeared to be improving. My sister bought us a silver photo frame for our anniversary and I didn't really have anything suitable to put in it, until I thought about having the portraits done. So, a couple of weeks ago, we went over to Rachael's house where she set up her studio, and she and dad Alan and her other business partner, Trish, began to take the photos. They wouldn't take any money for doing this, on condition that they could use some of the photos on their websites, and they put all the photos on a CD for us so that I could edit them myself. Normally, they would give proofs to approve and then frame them or put them in an album. So, when I'm back online, I may post some of them!

On the subject of the affair, I still get a bit obsessive about some of the things T said in her emails, so, at K's suggestion, I have started to compose replies to some of the more annoying and outlandish remarks she made, but I won't be sending them. I've decided to do another blog for this, and while I'm at it I am going to 'expose' her to the World. Perhaps this will put my remaining demons to rest. I wish that I'd followed the Marriage Builders plan with regard to exposure of the affair, but I hadn't heard about them at the optimum time for doing this, and I also didn't realise the extent of the relationship until too late. I'm not normally into revenge, but I have this burning desire to get my own back somehow, even if she never sees it.

Anyway, normal service will resume fairly soon.

Grrr!!

2007-10-30T13:46:00.000Z

So, I rang BT to get reconnected to their phone service, cancelled the account with the telecoms company we were supposed to be moving to (but never quite made it), waited for BT to get the line back and what do the other plonkers do? They decide to cut off our phone line altogether, without waiting for BT to take it over again, that's what they do! So now we have no Internet AND no phone, so I can't even get connected on dial-up in the meantime.

Phone line should be OK by the end of this week. The Internet I'm not sure about, as we're going for the Sky+ TV, phone calls and Broadband combined package. I don't know how long that will take to set up once we've put the application in. Hey ho!

Normal service.....

2007-10-22T07:56:00.001Z

....will be resumed as soon as possible.

We tried to change phone and Internet providers the other week and it's turned out that we were mis-sold some of the features and procedures, so we are in the process of backing out and changing back to our previous suppliers. Unfortunately, the broadband cannot be reconnected until the previous phone company has claimed back the line, which will be about two weeks.

I'll be back. In the meantime, just talk amongst yourselves!!

D-day!!

2007-10-14T16:30:00.000Z

OK, today was supposed to be bad. Other triggers have been affecting me much worse than today's trigger. It's the 14th October (which was a Saturday last year) - the day K came home from the Ukraine and we had a showdown about the email I'd found earlier in the week and he finally confessed that he'd slept with T. I had to stop the car while I was driving us home from boss's house after they returned from their trip, as I was going into shock. I pulled into a layby and slumped over the wheel shaking from head to toe. K had to continue the driving home. Worst day of my life.

I suppose our trip earlier this week has taken the edge off the memories of this time last year. I wasn't dreading today as much as I thought I would - being the worst trigger date of them all. Also, we weren't at home. We stayed with friends last night, as we'd all been to a wine tasting in their village hall and they live a good drive away. We did get a little tipsy, as our friend was pouring more than enough for just a taste, and we weren't spitting it out! We took it easy this morning, had a late breakfast, watched a programme they recorded last night on TV, and then set off home early afternoon, so we haven't been back long. The date only entered my head as we were driving back and K was asleep (I was driving, obviously!!). Strangely, it was more a sort of relief that I have now reached this milestone. Obviously, following the confession, there were all the emails going back and forth for a couple more months to come, but that's nothing compared to today's hurdle being over and done with.

Up, down, up, down

2007-10-12T22:30:00.000Z

I have been analysing (yet again!!). Why do I let the triggers get to me? Is there a different way to think about them? I'm sure the blocking techiques will work, if I would only give them a try. So, last week I made a concerted effort to not worry about the triggers. I stopped myself from flinching one evening when the sports reporter came on the local news (she has the same name), and in the main news it was reported that a Polish girl had been killed - I simply turned away and didn't really listen to it all. This was in addition to the news the day before, in which it was reported that a Polish woman had been accidentally shot dead in gun cross-fire. I can't believe all these reminders coming at me from all fronts. I suppose it could just as easily be other things reminding me, for instance, if her name had been different I would still hear it mentioned now and again, or if she drove a certain car - I don't know - anything - there would always be reminders, whatever the situation. Anyway, I decided to act positively, and instead of worrying about it, I simply turned my brain to something else. I suppose this will do until the triggers wash over me, which I am confident they will do in time.

The major trigger this week was our trip to the Lake District. This time last year (the very same dates) I went on my own, (K was over in the Ukraine), supposedly to have a relaxing break and get over all the emotional trauma of the 'so-called' emotional affair, as I thought it was then, but it was on my return from that trip (on the 10th October) that I checked K's work emails and found the evidence that it was beyond a simple friendship. Later that week (14th October), when K returned home, out came the confession that it had been physical since May. So, all in all, it wasn't the relaxing break I'd hoped for.

While I was there last year, I thought that I would come again with K, as the hotel was very nice, and I suggested it for our wedding anniversary in January, but we chose somewhere else for that occasion. I initially wanted to go a bit later on, but somehow it turned out to be the same dates as last year, but I decided to go ahead anyway. I imagined that it would probably exorcise the demons from last year, and make better memories of the area, and indeed it has.

So, we went on Monday morning and returned on Wednesday had we had a great time. We did very similar things to my last trip - a drive round Windermere and Coniston Water, took photos, had a nice meal in the hotel, did some walking, and did some new things too, but this time together.

We've been very good with our communication lately. No angry outbursts and lots of understanding. I think the walking on eggshells will soon be a thing of the past. I know things are still improving day by day, but I think my attitude has changed and I can see a much better future. In fact, the major things bothering me at the moment are some ongoing health problems - some hormone related, and one huge problem with a skin rash I've had for some time now. It's now getting the correct treatment and is clearing up at long last.

Some photos from our trip.

Rainbow in the Langdale mist

Lake Windermere from Orrest Head viewpoint

View from our room looking over the fells

Processing

2007-09-29T17:30:00.000Z

That's what I'm doing, and I probably need to get it done more quickly if I'm ever to make this rollercoaster slow down a bit. I can see why MB has this philosophy that it takes 2-5 years to get over an affair - it's all this processing. I suppose, though, that the length of time it takes to recover from an affair really depends how long it went on, and how many affairs they had. Some people discover that an affair has been going on for years behind their backs, or that there were several affair partners. God, if that had been the case I would DEFINITELY be long gone!

So, here I am, processing. What, exactly, am I processing, and why? K keeps asking why I'm looking backwards all the time. It's just in his nature to move on - with anything, not just this. He doesn't see why I'm trying to analyse our past relationship, as long as the current one is much better. He wonders why I'm not concentrating on the present and the future. I sometimes wonder myself. Is there a right and a wrong way to do this, and I'm doing it all wrong? I look back in order to try and make sense of all that's happened, in light of our past relationship issues. K doesn't think that helps. Even some therapists do not use this approach, but I thought that you had to analyse what went wrong before in order not to make that same mistake in the future. I appear to have worked through the ins and outs of the affair details (at least I think I have) and the associated lies and betrayal, and there's a smidgen of anger towards T still lingering. It's just all this relationship stuff that worries me.

The reason for this current backwards slide was that, in my perception, we seem occasionally to be slipping into old habits again, but that could be due to my heightened anxiety and depression and hormonal imbalance (trying not to put too much blame on the latter all the time). We got into a bit of an argument the other day, as we were making the bed, of all things. K snapped at something I'd misunderstood (yeah, about making beds!!), and I went back into a decline, having just felt as if I was coming out of the last one. I began to think about how I tried and failed, during most of our pre-A relationship, to get K to temper this sort of attitude, and how I ended up simply tolerating this 'snapping' - for years. I've never liked it. At one point I did try and give as good as I got, but that was like water off a duck's back, as he simply thought I was being mean, but didn't realise that he was doing the same thing to me (well, that may only have been my perception). He was making a point, I was being vindictive. So, I stopped doing that and went into acceptance mode. As soon as he started I would back off, stay low for a day or so, keep conversation to pleasantries and pretty soon I would be OK. K, of course never even realised anything was wrong. He simply did not know he was doing anything out of the ordinary. In recent years (before the A), I would try and ask, in a calm way, why he had to shout at me, but again he did not think it was shouting. I would get a sort-of-apology - one of those followed by a 'but'.

I will admit that I had often harboured ideas of getting out, but on the whole things were OK, apart from the lack of sex, of course, so I thought "better the devil you know...."! Anyway, recently K has been very good at not losing his temper at the little stuff, but the other night just sent me into a spin again, especially being hot on the heels of my constantly resurfacing feelings that I had done the wrong thing to fight for the marriage. When I'm down, everything just seems a bit too much trouble to contend with, and a bad relationship is the main item on my 'not wanted' list. I went to bed a little upset, wondering whether this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Should I or shouldn't I?

The next morning, I was still upset, so I decided that I had to get this out into the open, before it became another week-long funk. I explained, through tears, that I did not want to be spoken to in that manner, and I did not want this 'new phase' in our relationship to be exactly as we were before, with sex thrown in. I explained that this 'temper attitude' upset me, and always had, and explained a bit about my perception of it all. K didn't look at it as being angry, but also explained that he did not like me bottling things up for days, and his perception was that I have always done this, when the air could have been cleared a lot sooner. He mentioned his mother's habit of doing this, and how it always annoyed him. He called it 'her tyranny'! You see, my fear is that I have spoken up in the past, only to be shot down with excuses and justifications and a feeling that my concerns were falling on deaf ears, and the habit persisted, so I decided it wasn't worth it. He also mentioned that he was probably imitating his father's habits, as he used to dominate K's mother to a certain degree (even though you could tell he loved her). I did think it strange, though, that someone who didn't believe in looking to the past would bring up concerns about repeating the habits of parents!

So, by airing my thoughts sooner than I would normally have done, that funk expired quite quickly, thankfully. Really, we both need to correct our bad habits. My concern is that they are so ingrained it will be difficult to eliminate them. We can only try. I'm a little more hopeful now.

Triggers

2007-09-17T22:00:00.000Z

Are we (betrayed spouses) condemned to a lifetime of thinking about affairs? Do we have to just bottle up the feelings every time something reminds us of what happened? What is the alternative? Why should we have to have this hanging over us for an eternity?

Just a few thoughts rolling around in my head lately. In my quest to get my head straightened out, via hypnotherapy, the therapist suggested the 'stop sign' technique - whenever an unwanted thought pops up, imagine a big stop sign and immediately think of a 'happy space'. I don't want to have to do that for the rest of my life. On the Marriage Builder forum they suggest that these thoughts and feelings gradually subside and affair thoughts do become more 'background'. Although they are still there, they do not dominate as much. I still don't want that!! I did like the Pop-up Ad technique on We Survived an Affair blog. Might try that one. At least I know I'm not the only betrayed spouse to suffer in this way.

At times I can't imagine how these thoughts can become insignificant. Most of every day is taken by thoughts of the affair in one form or another. I admit it's getting better, but I am so miffed that I have to think this way. I am miffed that I am still thinking of T, especially how she insulted me in one of her later emails, and I never had the chance to answer her comments. I know I'm dwelling on this a bit too much. I am also mad at myself that I entered into the email exchanges with her - looking back it did make me appear rather unstable myself, which of course I was at that stage. I imagine they only served to fuel the impression she had of me being the domineering wife, supposedly preventing K from keeping in contact with her against his wishes.

I do keep having an urge to contact her with a severe warning that if she makes any contact whatsoever with K, EVER AGAIN, she will really feel the force of my anger. Why do I constantly feel this way? I know I won't do it, as this will make me look weak, and I don't want to give her any satisfaction whatsoever, but why can't I get these impulses out of my brain? Will she ever stop intruding into my thoughts? I've even thought of emailing her school and telling them what type of person they have in their midst, but they probably don't speak English and will give her the email to translate, being the English teacher!!

The reminders are everywhere. On the TV, the sports reporter on our local channel has the same name, so that's one reminder every day, if I see the news. Almost every day there is a Polish registered truck somewhere around our area and on the motorway we travel on every day. If we watch some sports on TV - athletics for instance - and there's usually some eastern European athlete sure to appear. Other TV programmes should be safe, you would think, but now Michael Palin is 'doing' eastern Europe! Where is he going? Among other places, Ukraine and Poland! Arrrrggggghhhhhh!!! I quite like his programmes, but this is one I won't be watching. And so it goes on, with not an end in sight.

I really need to get a brain transplant.

On a more positive note, we completed the Five Love Languages book and we've both now done the questionnaires at the end. Quite a surprising result. We both have Physical Touch as number 1 need, so that's one we're concentrating on now. My joint first need is Words of Affirmation followed closely by Quality Time, and K is really trying on that score. Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts is almost not worth mentioning. K's second need is Acts of Service (so I've been making sure that I do a lot more for K than before) and Quality Time was third, which matches one of my other needs, so we're pretty well matched up with these, which is very surprising. Obviously, in the past we have been barking up the wrong tree with regard to filling each other's needs.

I am still surviving!

2007-09-10T09:08:00.000Z

I had thought of just leaving this blog to linger in the ether, as I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue it. I came on a little while ago and checked in on my blogging friends to see what was happening in their lives, and then left again, but I see some people are worrying about me!! So, I will give you an update. I may continue to post - we'll see. I have been jotting things down in a paper journal, but I suppose penning it here would be just as therapeutic, although they are of a rather random nature and when I looked back a while ago at some of the entries, they seemed very unbalanced and illogical. At the time, though, they were important to me.

So, how are we? Much better, I have to say. Yes, it's been a struggle, but I think we are truly recovering. Some days, I will admit, I have wondered why I fought to stay in this marriage, and yet on other days I am happy to be here. I know it's my own type of 'fogginess', probably due to the hormonal hell that I am still under. Some days I wake up and I know that it's going to be a bad day, mood-wise, and that I will not want to do anything or talk to anyone. It's pretty scary. I still cry, mostly just when I try to express something that's bothering me. I always was emotional, but this is crazy!!

I have read Gary Chapman's 'Five Love Languages' and K has almost finished reading it. He actually thinks it's a good book! He's not usually keen on this sort of book. He mentioned last night that the philosophy behind it is quite sound and that the guy seems to know what he's talking about. He asked if I knew what my primary love language was, and I said I had done the quiz at the back of the book. I asked him to guess and he hit the nail on the head! If only we'd found this book years ago. We could have been so in tune with one another's needs. I haven't a clue what his might be, as he never opens up about anything to do with emotions. I will look forward to reading his answers when he has finished the book.

I say K doesn't do emotion very well, but there was an episode a few weeks ago when we were on holiday that took me a little by surprise. It was K's birthday while we were away, and I had bought him a surprise gift and managed to secrete it away in my bag without him knowing. There is an old (very old) chap here in the UK who is the oldest surviving soldier from WW1 - Harry Patch. K has often talked about him and has watched a TV programme about him. He mentioned him again the other week, so I thought I would see if there were any books about him. It turns out that his autobiography was due to be published later in August, so I pre-ordered it, not expecting it to arrive before we went away, but was very pleased when it arrived a couple of days before.

So, K's birthday arrived, I gave him the card and present, all nicely wrapped up. He looked a little surprised, as I'd already given him some cash towards some clothes he bought (our usual gift-giving routine). He opened the card and came over and kissed me (I had chosen the verse very carefully), then he opened the present. I explained that I had heard him mention Harry a few times, and I knew that he admired him and was interested in his story, so I thought he might like to read the book. He had a quick flick through, read the introduction, and then tears came into his eyes. I asked if it was something he read that upset him. He said it was a little sad (the chap had lost most of his friends in the war), but he was also getting emotional over the fact that I had gone to all that trouble to get something. I don't think he expected something like this after what he did to me. We were both crying by this time!!

And how am I? All my health issues are still bugging me. The rash around my middle has spread quite a bit (I'm off to the hospital dermatology clinic this afternoon); my pre-menopause mood swing/depression still hits occasionally; I am still not sleeping very well; and I'm just plain exhausted with it all at times. I've seen a hypnotherapist, a nutritionist and was about to have some personal counselling, but she's away now for a couple of weeks. The hypnotherapy has helped me to relax a bit, and she helped me to get rid of the affair thoughts when they appear. I have been investing more time than is good for me wondering whether T will come out of the woodwork at some point. I've also been fretting about things that happened last year, when the anniversary dates come round, what T said in her emails, etc. I really want to put her right about some things she said, especially the bit about me not being 'elegant and refined' that she said in one of her later emails.

The nutritionist has put me on a special dietary regime, with the thinking that I may have adrenal fatigue, underactive thyroid, poor liver detoxification and some blood sugar imbalances - all brought on with the hormonal mayhem caused by extreme stress. I didn't tell her the exact cause of this stress I've been under!!

It's almost a year now since I went away by myself to a nice hotel in the Lake District, while K was in the Ukraine on one of the project trips. It was on my return from this trip that I found the fateful email from T ("I will be dreaming of you for 3 nights"). Every time I think of this trip, or even the Lakes, I get the jitters. I did want to go there with K (while I was there I was thinking we would go back sometime) and I wanted to take him on his birthday, but he said he would rather go later in the year. We were initially wanting a weekend in November, but ended up booking the same dates I was there last year! In some respects, this will 'purge' the bad memories of the place and give me a better memory to look back on in the future. I have 'reclaimed' a lot of memories by doing something nice on or near the anniversary of the bad things happening. So, we go there at the beginning of October. We are actually very near to being a year past this whole sorry episode ending, so maybe I can finally 'let go'. K would be very frustrated to know that I am still working to anniversary dates. I know in the past he has said that he doesn't understand why I am attaching such importance to a date, and that I am unable to relax when that date approaches, but then he just doesn't think in that way.

All in all, I think I'm getting to 'happy'.

I Can See Clearly Now

2007-07-11T19:42:00.001Z

I heard this on the radio this morning. I haven't heard it for some time, and I have decided to make it my new cheer-up song. It explains a bit how I feel at the moment. The tears are getting fewer and I think I am nearing the end of that long, dark tunnel at last.

I was going to post a video of Johnny Nash singing his song, but this guy stood out, and I love guitar music.

I Can See Clearly Now
Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind,
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
sun-shiny day.

I think I can make it now the pain is gone,
All of the bad feelings have disappeared,
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for,
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
sun-shiny day.

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies,
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind,
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
sun-shiny day.

Which way now?

2007-06-18T19:43:00.000Z

I think this is called Recovery, but I don't quite feel fully recovered just yet. The road seems long (with many a winding turn!), but we are getting there, although I think there is a little further to go before I can say I've arrived. What I want is to be 'happy' again, whatever that means. Some days are better than others, but at times I feel as though I'm just existing day to day, never knowing how I will wake up the next morning. Will I be in a good mood or a depressed one? The last few mornings have been good ones, even though I have woken earlier than I would have liked. Normally, I would lie there and the thoughts would come flooding back, making me quite low by the time the alarm sounded. Now I try to control the thoughts, which I’m finding a lot easier now, or if that doesn’t work I go down to the computer. So I’m getting there.

I've learned a lot on this journey - most of it I would have preferred not to, of course. But I've learned some useful things: that we had a bad communication style; that we should have spoken up about problems; that we should have had more sex; that we resented one another; and we tried to change each other's thinking to that of our own, among other things. We are now working on these problems and things are much better than they used to be. We have realised that we are different, and look at situations in a different way. Some things we are still struggling with. For example, I was dwelling on things that happened last year, whereas K has put it all in a box labelled 'the past – regret it, but unable to change, so do not worry about it, move forward'. So when I broach whatever problem I'm struggling with at that time, he immediately tries to 'cure' me by telling me how I should be dealing with it. This makes me reluctant to unload what's worrying me, for fear of my concerns not being appreciated or validated (which is how it always was in the past, too). So the alternative is to keep quiet, but then I get upset and I am then derided for bottling things up. K insists he's not trying to brush things under the carpet, and I do believe this, although I had trouble doing so a while ago. Sometimes all I want is for K to empathise and say, "I understand" - nothing more. I do not want chapter and verse on how I should be doing this his way. In my present state it can't be done. Perhaps when my mind is in better shape, I might be able to put all my positive thinking techniques into action. I have read all the self-help books, seen all the motivational lectures, I know what I need to do - I just can't do it at the moment. Part of the problem, I'm sure, is this damn peri-menopause, mood swings and depression being the main symptom of this. Anti-depressants either don't help or give unacceptable side-effects, so I’ve kicked them into touch.

Looking back, I realise that I did and said some rather stupid things over this past year. Totally irrational, but then again I was experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. I was even dreaming up hypothetical situations that ‘could’ have happened had I not found out about the affair. For example, we are keen bird and nature watchers, and T had contacts that would have taken us to some of the natural areas in Poland/Ukraine. K had spoken (early on in the project) of us going over there and having a holiday. I had this mad moment where I imagined that I hadn’t found out about the affair, and we went over there and met up with her, and I was picturing K and T exchanging knowing glances, etc. I was totally obsessed with the thought of this encounter. I was so mad that he would even think of taking me over there in that situation, with me being totally oblivious of what had happened. Of course, K was totally dumbfounded at this, when I eventually got it off my chest. He said that he had intended us to go over sometime, but that he had now cocked up that plan good and proper by going beyond just being friends with T. In my mind, this plan was only cancelled because I’d discovered the affair. If I’d still been in the dark, I think this situation would have happened. I was also obsessed about finding out as much as possible about T. I searched for her on the Internet, convinced that I’d find her on one of those Russian bride scam websites. I lined up a private detective in the Ukraine, and if she’d carried on with the emails I would have set him into action. I was determined to teach her a lesson she would not forget. Crazy time!

I know this still sounds a bit negative, but it really is not as bad as it appears. I have accepted a lot of things, and I think I am finally coming to terms with it all. I fully appreciate that I, too, had a part to play in our relationship problems. I still have guilty feelings about that, and maybe that was part of the problem I’ve been having in moving on - constantly beating myself up that I didn't realise we were brewing up future troubles, and dwelling on the impression I had (back then) that we were fine. I still do not accept that these problems should have prompted an affair. It brings to mind the quote I mentioned in a previous post – “People don’t have affairs because somebody else did something. They have affairs because conditions overwhelmed a weakness of theirs that they did not protect”. This is one of the MB philosophies, and I’m not too sure about the logic of it, but then again, I’m on the receiving end and perhaps it’s different if you’re the one in the affair. I suppose the ‘justifications’ given, the problems in the relationship, appear quite real to the one deciding to have an affair. If it is a weakness, how do you recognise it in order to protect it next time? I think sometimes the MB folk can have you thinking a bit too much with all these principles. We can over-analyse these things till the cows some home. Therapists must make a fortune out of our insecurities. Another quote I found – “People don't stray because of problems in the marriage. People stray because they don't know how to deal with the problems marriage presents us with.” This one makes a bit more sense, but again, the first part could be said to be a little contentious. We certainly did not know how to deal with the problems (let alone admit there were problems). And another one – “There is no such thing as a perfect, problem-free marriage. But a successful marriage has two spouses who actively resolve such issues as they arise.” I hope we’re on this path now. A final quote, found the day after I wrote and published this post - "An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect." This was a quote from one MB member to another, and really helped her change her perception (both she and her husband had had an affair). I think this one hits the nail on the head for me, too.

I do sometimes wonder whether this whole thing would still have happened even if we'd had a happy, fulfilling marriage. People in happy marriages still have affairs. Would K still have been tempted? Does he really have some personality weakness that he hasn’t recognised, or was it really simply a case of thinking that I didn’t care and so why not? Was it really all his doing, or did T play a very subtle part in tempting him? Could he be tempted again? I was told early on that K did all the running and persuading, so he said I shouldn’t be blaming T for trying to trap him, but I recently found out that this may not be as straightforward as it appeared. Apparently, on his visit there in April 2006 (when he went over on his own), they went to her room after dinner for a drink and K tried to kiss her, but she turned away. K went back to his room and that was that. The next morning she came round as he was packing to come home, and she apologised for turning away, and one thing led to another. I think she was probably playing hard to get, and expected him to chase a bit more. Had she not come round to his room, I am convinced that K would not have made any more attempts. When someone does or says something to him he usually takes it at face value. He is not too hot on recognising such subtle hints. I think that when she realised that K was not going to make any more advances, she thought she'd better make her move. Somehow, this makes me feel vindicated in my opinion that she could have been trying to gain some favours, or perhaps even planning her exit out of the Ukraine and her unhappy marriage by getting a visa to the UK (the country of her dreams), even if that meant destroying a marriage. I also remember K telling me about one of their sexual liaisons. K asked if he should use a condom (which I thought was a bit strange as he's been snipped), and T apparently said that she was in a 'safe part of her cycle'. Now, I know that this is not the most reliable birth control method, so that got me wondering if she was hoping to get pregnant. I don't know whether it was on this occasion or another, but K then told her he'd had the operation, so they would be OK anyway. I am not sure about the look on her face at that news, and K certainly wouldn't have noticed anything. Perhaps I'm still taking these assumptions a bit too far, but anything's possible.

At one time I really did want to exact my revenge on T. I exchanged some emails with her, which turned out to be a complete waste of time. She accepted no responsibility, and just kept heaping more anguish onto K in her emails and texts. I had another message drafted ready for if/when K received another one from her (and that private detective hanging in the wings), but now that his university email account has been cancelled, she can no longer make contact. In a moment of madness, I wondered whether to send the email anyway, in the knowledge that she can't now get through to K, and to imagine the look on her face when she sent an email to complain about me and it was bounced back to her! It also crossed my mind to email her with the link to this blog! But these thoughts were quickly dismissed. I decided that this was not the done thing for someone 'elegant and refined'. I would like to think that I am much too dignified to get involved in such exchanges. She was, in her own way, trying to cling on to something that she truly believed in. Her comment in one of her emails about thinking I was not elegant and refined when she first met me was said in total desperation, apart from being a complete fabrication. To start with, she was mistaken about the day it happened, and how could she possibly have formed an opinion of me then, as she hadn’t yet discovered what K was like in order to make that comparison – that she “expected to see as elegant and refined lady as her husband proved to be”. I still stand by my opinion that she was planning something back then and this look she gave me was hatred. It was truly an evil glance. I am just very glad that she lives thousands of miles away, and that the only times they had 'together' were those snatched hours in the middle of the night when the project groups met, either in the UK or eastern Europe. They could not walk hand in hand, or sit together exchanging sweet nothings, or sneak off somewhere during the day, as they were with a group of people for the rest of the time. And they had to make do with text messages and emails when they were not together.

To be honest, I am no longer angry with K, or T for that matter. I have just been having a very hard time working through it all. Perhaps the real issue is forgiveness. I did tell K some time ago that I had forgiven him, but he was unsure that I meant it, as I was still getting angry and upset, and later I wasn’t too sure myself. Have I really forgiven? How do you tell when you're ready to do so? I know it can't be done lightly. THIS THREAD appeared on Marriage Builders the other day, and it raises some good points. However, we are now talking more, and K has said some things lately that have made me feel very much better. It appears that he is more prepared to open up in order to help me through this, although he has been hiding his own pain for the sake of keeping me happy. He’s expressed genuine remorse, has apologised again and again and expressed sincere regret for his actions, has been prepared to tell the truth. The main thing bothering him is my depression. The other day he said he had been depressed at work, and when asked why, he said that it was due to me being depressed that morning. He went out to buy something to cheer me up and couldn’t find anything. I said I didn’t need gifts to do that and I got all upset again. I have now officially forgiven him, and feel better for it.

Certain ‘triggers’ also no longer bother me – I can now listen to songs on the radio and not associate them with the affair. When an affair is mentioned or portrayed in a film, I don’t get that sinking feeling that I did a while ago. Seeing Polish registered trucks in our area (of which there are quite a few) doesn't give me the same dread. There is another anniversary coming up later in June, when K went away for a couple of nights and slept with T again. I know the week it happened but not the exact date, but I am really not going to let this worry me. I feel as if I’ve entered a new phase.

So, aside from all the anguish, there were some positive things to come out of this fiasco, other than our renewed relationship. It wasn’t the best way to lose weight, I have to admit, but the Infidelity Diet certainly worked. The only problem now is that the menopause has kicked back in and a lot of it has returned, so I’m going to have to really work at getting the weight back off. I realise now why I was having problems with diets before – it was obviously the menopause preventing anything from working. It felt good to fit into jeans I hadn’t worn in five years. But, still on a positive note, the HRT has given me back my cleavage!

Marriage Builders has been a life saver, even though we did not follow their suggested plan to the letter. I did manage to implement some of their suggestions, though, which I think helped us to some extent. If I hadn’t found that site, I would be long gone, I’m sure, never realising that you could overcome something of this magnitude, or even that you could ever love someone again who has done such a thing. When my sister's husband left her for another woman, I thought she was crazy when she kept saying she'd take him back in a heartbeat. “No, I would never do that if a husband of mine did that to me”, was my cry. Just goes to show. However, I think MB has now outlived its usefulness for me, and in a way, K is right about it keeping me immersed in the affair mindset. I am still finding some of the posts quite helpful, as indicated in the link I mentioned earlier, but some simply illustrate that not all recovering marriages take the same course. Some ‘waywards’ are pulling out all the stops for the spouse they betrayed, and in a way it makes you ‘expect’ that the same should happen in every case, so you get more resentful when it doesn’t quite go that way, and it makes you over-analyse your own situation. We are moving on, nevertheless, in our own way and I think the plan we have at the moment is serving us just fine. It is with this in mind that I have decided not to visit the MB site for very much longer. Perhaps I’ll check in once in a while to catch up on some regulars whose stories I’ve been following and see how they’re doing, but it won’t be every day as it is now.

So, what’s this plan of ours? Well, the sex thing (or lack thereof) was the main issue. After my hysterectomy I really don’t know what went wrong, but we just gradually stopped – I think mainly due to the pain it caused me. I have read that a lot of marriages are celibate, albeit with both parties in agreement of the situation. I suppose I assumed that no complaints meant that it was accepted that this was how we would be. It wasn’t helped by the fact that there weren’t even any cuddles in bed, as we’d had twin beds since the beginning of our relationship. K had an old cast-off double bed from his parents, and when I moved in we didn’t get much sleep at all – big dip in the middle, different heat requirements, disturbing each other – so we bought twin beds almost straight away. They have always been pushed together, and at first it was no problem hopping into one or the other for a cuddle. But this eventually fizzled out following my operation. It seems that these menopausal issues could have been starting even then. We did try a king-size bed for a few months, but we still didn’t get on with it, and my pain problems still existed, so that went into the spare room and back came the singles. What about now? Well, I found this natty device that joins two single beds together to make a large one. Once my hot flushes were under control, I ordered one and sewed together some old single sheets to make large ones to fit this HUGE bed (it’s now super-king size) and we’re getting on very well with it, so we will now buy some correct size bedding. We could get a new bed, but this device works really well, and buying just the bedding will be cheaper than forking out for a new bed. I do cringe (and get quite a bit upset) when I think of how long this issue lasted. On MB there is a woman in her 50s (whose husband had an affair with a very much younger woman) who ‘allowed’ her husband to have sex with her 4 times a year. Everyone who replied to her story was amazed at this, and she had to admit that it was a little strange. I had to smile – I wonder what they would have made of our 15-year abstinence! Yes, you heard correctly - 15 years. We are now making up for lost time!! The pain? No more, due to the HRT and a good lubricant (I wish I'd known about these back in the day). As the woman on MB says about her renewed love life, I’m ‘putting out like a prom queen’!! It's quite strange, really. I keep wishing we were 15 years younger (and without our bad backs). But then again, I was quite naive back then, having had quite a sheltered sexual upbringing. I'm a bit more educated now! Strange to think that when my parents were about our age, thinking about them having sex was quite repulsive! And here we are, buying sex manuals in order to spice things up even more.

As you may be able to tell, I’ve also revived my sense of humour! Getting through this is a lot easier now that I can inject some humour into it. There are quite a few things that I can now smile about, whereas a few months ago they were really getting to me. The other day I remembered that some time last year, K bought a pair of designer underpants and I never thought anything of it. He’s tried different styles before. After D-day in October I mentioned these pants and asked if he’d bought them for his liaisons with T. He said he hadn’t – I didn’t really believe this, but in any case, he’d put them in a charity collection bag as he said they were uncomfortable. I remember some bloke on MB mention about his wife buying sexy nightwear for her affair, and then she comes back to him and wears the ‘granny-nightgown’ again. He knew she was really back with him when she wore sexy nightwear for him. I drew a similar conclusion – T gets the Calvin Klein, I get the granddad Y-fronts! I suppose, though, if I’d had an affair, I would have bought some sexy lingerie, although I would like to make it clear that I do not wear ‘granny’ stuff now!

I also knew I was getting there when the revelation about the oral sex incident washed over me like water off a duck’s back. K had resorted to OS when T was having trouble climaxing from manual stimulation (because they didn’t have penetrative sex on that occasion – K had already climaxed, having a bit of a ‘hair trigger’). I really hadn’t given this much more thought at the time, but the other day something occurred to me. Instead of it worrying me, though, what actually came into my head was that, as a consequence of the menopause, I sometimes find it hard to climax, but what happens to me? Well, T gets K’s head between her legs and I get “We’ll wait a few minutes then”!! Go figure! I think we may have to discuss this further.

So, my friends, I have reached the end of my little tale. I was thinking of continuing with more of the ‘beyond’ part of this infidelity saga, but as with continuing to visit the MB site, it will only keep me in the affair-world, and there’s nothing I want more than to move on and not have to think about this on a day-to-day basis. I do still think about it daily, but not in such a negative light, and I think this will diminish more quickly by not immersing myself in it on a regular basis. I will, of course, keep an eye on your stories from time to time. I do hope that you all find the happiness you seek and deserve. You are all very brave people, and your stories have saddened me in parts, and cheered me in others. If you’re visiting for the first time, or you have never left a comment, I hope at least some of this story has helped you to see that things can be overcome, if you really want to. It just needs time, a little patience, and a lot of hard work. It can be all worth it in the end. Sometimes you can’t see this, when you’re still on the journey, but at some point you will know that you have arrived.

Part 11

2007-06-10T14:53:00.000Z

After the last batch of emails, it seemed as if T had finally got the message that she was not welcome in our lives. The project was nearing its end, and I think K was working on the final report. I was still in a state of depression, and still living on the edge, as it were, thinking that she may come out of the woodwork again. I was not far wrong! A couple of weeks later, K received another email asking if he could help with some translation work. It wasn’t strictly about the project, but K thought it was connected with something [boss] had pre-arranged with T’s school. K asked if I objected to him helping her. I agreed, but wished later that I had refused.

T to K, 17th Dec 2006:
Hello K, I stopped corresponding with you from the reason both of us know, and tried to solve some translation issues differently. But lately I have got a very difficult task from our county authorities (now I understand why Mr. W passed it to me) where there is too much terminology connected with flora and fauna, some of them I couldn't find even in the biggest dictionaries, especially the names of birds (and you are expert in it) and different plants and butterflies. As far as know, [boss], your best friend, is really a bright expert in these branches, but unfortunately I can't ask him about help, as he hasn't responded my mails (short, non-familiar, concerning project matters only [Probably vague reference no. 12]), I may presume one reason for it . If it is proper from me, and doesn't evoke outrage, can I send you Latin names of the words, I can't cope with, on your mail-box so that you could consult with [boss] or do it on your own to reply me as soon as by Thursday, please? The whole text isn't big, only 5 pages, but too much terminology and simultaneously we were allocated one more burden: translation of economic analysis after thermomodernisation of our school, this time all of us three have got the part. I have already referred to M [project leader] about some peculiarities of translation Polish geographical names and terms, but I don't want to disturb him too much again, as he is just after health problems, and he's got quite a big family.

I also asked DG if he could correct some of my grammar or typical mistakes, the foreigners do, and he graciously agreed, having no preconception against me yet [Reference no. 13], but now I'm afraid it will be too much for one person, as I actually, doing several thing at a time, haven't predicted the ammount. For native-speaker, however, it isn't too time consuming, I hope. I will also ask my Ukrainian friends from "Roztochchya" reserve to help me too, as some names of butterflies and plants are too Greek for me. If it is impossible, please, let me know, I won't die. I will be awaiting for reply. Regards T. [As it turned out, K had to look these things up on the Internet, which he said would have been so easy for T to do herself - she just wanted to make some contact]

After this little job was done, K emailed the results and also made a point of telling her that he was moving offices after Christmas, which was true - he was still working for our boss, but in his outside business, rather than in the university. He would have a new email address and he was also going to get rid of the mobile phone that had been used for their intimate text messages (although he didn't mention this to her - he just did it in the new year). He told her that if she had any more queries, they would have to be directed to the other project colleagues or our boss. She sent a swift reply thanking K for his help, and mentioned about the office move and K's direction to contact someone else with any future queries. I don't have a copy of this email, but in essence she stated, "...but it can be a prompt to me that our contact even in respect of some exclusive linguistic issues will stop for ever. Not the fairest feeling." I really don't know how she even had the nerve to expect that there would be any future contact - as if they could simply go back to being friends again. This email did not get a reply from K. In the New Year K moved into the new office, which is next door to where I work, but while he was still in the old office the following arrived. K forwarded it to me, with an attachment of his proposed reply.

K to me, 22nd Dec 2006:
T has sent this farewell. I don't know whether she is right about the 'look' incident - when was the first time you met her? I don't know if she realises the insult in to inferring that you are less than elegant and refined - but that is down to her rose-tinted view of my qualities, I suppose, because she has little to go on in knowing what kind of person you are. I am tempted to respond (draft attached), though not about the look, because she is a more ordinary and warmer person than you think she is, upset by the intensity of what has happened, but I am quite prepared to ignore it if that is what you prefer, in view of what you said last night. K.

First, T's email.

T to K, 21st Dec 2006:
Dear K, This mail isn't, by all means, playing for your compassion or an attempt to restore your good impression of me. On the other hand, it isn't the purpose to upset you either, I have never done it, despite of my sardonic style of expression my thoughts. Whenever I hurt you, I did it unintentionally, it went out sublimally without too much effort.

So, now, before Christmas and New Year celebration, it is time to say either apologetic words or the words of forgiveness to each other. I am doing that, though I have been warned not to do it any more, because it is not personal matter, it's accepted in the whole world, no matter whether you are devout Christian or a secular person, to say the above mentioned words. It is a sign of good manner, I assume. [attempt at making someone feel guilty, I think]

First of all I want to thank you, K, for everything you have done for me: for your help and for appreciation, for your support during my hard work and you advice. I am not flattering you here, these are just words, any people, even who hardly know each other say to themselves [so even though we've slept together and your wife knows everything, we can still say words of friendship to one another, can't we?].

As far as I understood from your eluding replying my question (which I asked just ocasionally, not being focused on it [not much!!]) and suggesting me to refer to any of your colleagues in different issues, concerning translation issues, you have made up your mind to stop any contact with me after changing the office [yes, that has been the message given to you several times, and which you still do not appear to have grasped]. Alas, your personal matters are more crucial, and I wish you successful solution of everything you are seized with, including marking significant 25th-anniversary of your marriage (or, as they say 'Silver Wedding' which you are having in January. Just an irony, mine 15th anniversary is in January too, just on my St. Day which has been lately wide-spread, T patronizes students on January, 25. But 15 years ago I didn't know about it.

I also wish you sustainable (if it sounds polite) and peaceful state of mind and good health, and good friends. I can't extend more, not to overstep the mark, but everything I wished you is in the proper frame friendly people can wish each other.

However, K, there is one issue, I have wanted to tell you since October, but I just had no opportunity to do it, nor because I feared to upset you, neither to look to arrogant. But after re-accessing lots of things, I dare tell it you to be honest. It is your choice to show it to your censor or not, it depends on the sensitivity rate of the latter [very sensitive just now, T!!] but, I have never looked with superiority at anyone, coming back to our talk in October in Olympus. I was much more surprised than upset having known that, and as much shocked as with the unwell idea of 'writing familiar mails to [boss] in order to break his marriage' [Reference no. 14 - do you think she's tried to deny this accusation enough times yet?]. But let's come off that, I hope things are much more better now with all of this, I don't expect to hear anything from you, perhaps in a few years, when you recover and forget completely everything [not on your life!!].

Finally, I'd like to confess to the fact that your wife was a bit right, she's just mixed up the days. It wasn't on that day when I was wearing that damned white jacket, which I have never put on again. And it was not a glance of superiority, no one has perceived me like that, it was me, who errouneously thought of myself lesser than others and always under-estimated myself. It was just a short glance of disappointment when you introduced your wife to me, as I expected to see as elegant and refined lady as her husband proved to be. [So, now you've really got my back up, T, and you are a complete and utter liar, because you were first introduced to me two days before - it was on the second occasion we met that week that you had the jacket on and gave me that 'icy' stare when I stroked the collar, and I have the photos to prove it - well, at least I did have. All traces of you have now been removed from house and computer]

I do hope, dear K, this my confession didn't upset you, neither it evoke your anger. The only reason of that is my narrow subjective 'viewpoint' and my first sight impression, which could be errouneous then. You can ask yourself why I'm writing all of that. There may happen some more unexpressed thought to appear, but I feel it is a good-bye-mail to you because you want it, though I have different opinion on that. The cultural and polite people don't break contacts, if they come on friendly trail, without harming anyone as I am not harming you and your personality now. [Still trying to make K feel guilty. But, as a friend said when I mentioned this comment, "the cultural and polite people don't shag other people's husbands" - I wish I could have replied to her with that!!]

Nevertheless I wish all your worries had left in the old, gone year. I wish you all the best, dear K. I hope you'll read this mail before changing the office and before starting the Christmas break and you will realise at last that it is only the far away friend who is mailing that. With best wishes and good will. T.

Draft of proposed response:
Hello T, thank you very much for your thoughts and good wishes.

You are right that in the normal course of things, people who met as we did, would not just break off simple personal and professional contact. But we did not remain as acquaintances and the consequences of that have been very great.

At the risk of repeating, it is a simple fact that because of my deception, any thoughts of you cause D distress of some kind, so any remaining ability for us to contact each other, even on a work basis, are a source of uncertainty and pain for her as she tries to recover from what I have done to her. So in order to help D deal with the past, to restore confidence in herself and the rebuilding of our marriage, and to show that I am committed to her, it is necessary to ensure that I do not create these problems for her and contact between you and I must stop. And as you obviously have realised, this is a greater priority than continuing even simple personal and professional contacts. Of course, I do hope that you are able to restore the balance of your life after the disturbance I have caused you, to achieve your aims for yourself and your daughter and I wish you well. Goodbye T.

Well, he did read her mail before changing offices, but I did not allow the above reply to be sent, although I would have preferred it if K had responded to her about 'the look' and said "how dare you speak about my wife in that way". I don't think he would have said such a thing at that time, as I think he was still in 'the fog' and probably felt a bit guilty about what he'd done to her, and he didn't want to make himself appear to be a bad person to her, or make it appear that he'd done a complete U-turn. But I feel that we could have gone on like this forever, and there would always have been something else that she would have needed to say. I was livid at her comments, but just wanted all this to stop.

Well, Christmas and the New Year came and went. K moved into the new office, and all seemed to be moving along nicely. Of course, I was still having extremely bad days, and I think K was beginning to wonder when I would 'just get over it'. I didn't feel that we were moving on at all, and some days I just felt like disappearing, wondering whether he was just going to continue to act as if nothing had happened, or whether at some point he would show some 'deeper' remorse. As I was reading Marriage Builders, I was becoming rather envious of other betrayed women, and men, whose spouses had 'stepped up to the plate' and were bending over backwards to make amends. K just appeared to be getting more frustrated that I should still be upset over the past and should be looking at what was happening now. Well, in fact, what was 'happening now' was that it appeared that it was all being swept under the carpet. K simply thought that by acting 'normal' I would get over it more quickly. Anyway, slowly but surely, things progressively got much better, but not without plenty of anguish along the way.

Then, in January, just before we went off on our 25th anniversary trip, the following email arrived. Didn't I just know that we hadn't heard the last from T!! She had obviously got wind of the fact that K had written some academic papers with one of the project members, long before the project began.

T to K, 24th Jan 2007:
Hello K, Now I understand perfectly well that you are not the colleague to DE [project and work colleague of K and boss] only. You are the co-author of his publications and your joint project were quite successful. With respect. T.

It was obvious that she was just trying to elicit a response, or, knowing that K would be showing all emails to me, she thought she would keep plugging away in order to annoy me. It was after this that we started to look into ways of blocking her emails, so that they bounced back. K said he would just ignore them - I didn't want them to come in at all. So we spent some time trying to sort this. We did manage to find a way to manually bounce them back, but the university system was not set up to allow automatic blocking for one address only. K said he would contact the tech staff, but it was not that much of a priority to him, so it was some time before he actually got round to it.

Just before we went away for our anniversary, I decided to give K something I'd written in which I asked some questions about the affair and the situation leading up to it. In my wisdom I thought I would get this out of the way before our break, but it ended up almost causing us to cancel it. Some of the things he said in reply were simply justifications and there was a lot of what I saw as blame. Some of you may have seen this exchange, as I did blog it, but I removed it after a couple of days as it was long and not very entertaining. This did make me wary of asking my other list of questions last week, but this turned out much better, despite some of the answers. I think I should have saved all my questions until now - as I am in a much better frame of mind than I was at the beginning of the year. Anyway, we managed to get through this little block and had a wonderful anniversary weekend. Then, a few days after we arrived back home, the following email came.

T to K, 5th Feb 2007:
K, I’m sorry to bother you, and I’m not sure it is good to translate it, but I felt it oblidged to forward it to you, as Z [Ukrainian project member] has mentioned your name here. She asked me to give their best regards to English gentlemen, and the last sentence of her mail I hope you’ll be able to read yourself, as I’m afraid you’ll misunderstand me again. It’s only about how THEY in Ukraine miss you. Regards.

Below this message, there was a forwarded message from the above-named Z, but the trouble was it was written in Ukrainian!! She knows full well that K cannot speak fluent Ukrainian (perhaps a couple of words he picked up along the way, and a few Polish words), so her motive here was that he would have to reply saying no he couldn't understand it and ask for her to translate it. K had even written something along those lines on the printed-out email that he gave to me, so he was now aware of what she was up to. Again, no reply.

Another month passes and then.....

T to K, 11th March 2007:
As no one else expressed the necessity of having the translations both in Polish and Ukrainian, I’m mailing them to you [attached to email were two files. K could not remember asking for the translations from her. He asked boss and he knew nothing about it either. Again, this was just a ruse to get some response].

Apparently I’m translating about peat survey for [boss] from time to time, so, I’m not sure which is more important this one or things which had already been delievered before the project report was made? Lest someone wants to study Polish and Ukrainian? [Not us, T] I’ve put som ammendments into the files I made earlier, as to translate everything from the very beginning is self-molishing. T.

And a few minutes later:
I’m sorry for bothering but I felt oblidged to confess in making indeliberate spelling mistakes as the consequence of my sickness, i.e. I didn’t see very well what I was writing. Regards. T. [through the tears, no doubt]

After this, we stepped up the effort to get the emails to bounce, and we thought we had sorted it, tested it on my spare Hotmail account, and it appeared to work. But we haven't heard from her since, so we weren't able to test it out properly, even though I thought it looked as if we were going to be receiving an email a month. As it happens, when we went back to work following our recent trip to Lesvos, K discovered that the university had deleted his email account as they thought all his contracts were finished and he didn't need the account. They have now given him a new one, and he can still access the old saved emails, but at last emails to that account are genuinely bouncing!! So, there is no way that she can contact K now, unless she goes through our boss or one of the other project members, and I don't think she'll do that, as she has no idea how much they know. Hopefully she won't get hold of his new email address.

Part 10

2007-06-07T20:03:00.000Z

Keep up folks, the posts are coming thick and fast now! I want to get this done.

Before K went over to Poland for this last visit, we made an agreement as to what he should do or say if T tried to bring up the subject of their relationship. He didn't think there would be much chance for that, but he agreed that if she did try and initiate any personal talk, he would simply say that everything has already been discussed in the emails and nothing further need be said. He went away with this promise not to get embroiled in any discussion with her. As it turned out, she had managed to get a few words in while they were walking round town, but K said he'd kept the conversation short, or so he told me. She apparently asked if we were now sleeping together and he told her it was none of her business.

After K arrived home, I noticed his mobile phone among his unpacked belongings, and when he was downstairs, I had a look at the messages, which, to his credit, he had not erased. One that I saw from T said, "I wish we could have had one last kiss." I did not see a reply to that one, but there was one from K to T saying, "I will not forget you either." When challenged on this, and the fact that he agreed not to get into any personal exchanges, he said that he did it to calm a tense situation. Well, the fact is that I also noted the time it was sent, and it was during his journey home, which seemed to belie that excuse. This was yet another betrayal that bugged me for some time afterwards. K insisted that it meant nothing. So why did he have to send it?

This enraged me so much, I sent her another email. I know that K also sent an email that day, in an effort to drive home the fact that the affair was over, as I think she had sent a message or text since his return, but I don't have any record of these exchanges.

Me to T, 4th Dec 2006:
T, I was trying to keep calm in my last email to you, but this time I am angry again after seeing that you are still sending personal messages to K, despite being asked not to - several times. I know he has emailed you separately today, but I want to say my part as well.

I do not want a longer reply from you, and I do not want to hear from K that he has had any more emails and texts from you. We just want to get on with our lives. I would like our recovery to continue without any further interruption from you. What you noticed about K - that he appeared to have survived hard times and looks really tired - is the same for me - I am extremely tired of all this and I want it over with once and for all. K will not be changing his mind about repairing our marriage. Accept that it is over between you and do not contact either of us again in the future - that means never, not near future or distant future. D. [Can you tell I was a little angry?!]

Firstly, K had this reply to his email.

T to K, 4th Dec 2006:
Dear K, I shall keep my promise about the translation, otherwise I would appear to look as an unreliable person, concerning whatever I promise and never do. It is not my feature and I always tried to be as I am. What concerns my last lack of presentations, being unready, I didn't promise, as I knew I wouldn't be able to have them done in time.

As I have also promised I am going to restart my translation on Wednesday noon, after our big report about pre-exams. Not to prolong a painful situation, I wouldn't like to mention some other respectable people who break their own promises. I have got contracts from Edyta and now, after my immediate respond to your rude mail, I will send them back with my signatures, so I hope for Wednesday, that it will be clear to make it sure they have paid it all.

Now, what concerns your last request: Yes, you were the most terrific man in my life I have known before, and with whom I experienced the most delightful hours, as you did too (not very gentlemanly to tell it to your hurt wife),as you have mailed me once you have thought for long time about touches and smell of a hot woman because D wasn't anymore the person to expect these feeling from (no time to find the cites from your hot passionate mail). I, from the other hand, wasn't thinking of that, because I had (at that time) a husband, which was younger and didn't cause in my mind thoughts of the kind you had. I was just fascinated by you, without suspecting that only emotional closeness can go further, being sure that nothing can happen, having preliminary misunderstood your suggestions.

So, now when you are boasting of your openness and honesty before your wife, telling her what I have mailed and texted you lately, I have come to conclusion that you are just ridiculed above my feelings which hadn't died yet at a time I was telling you that. I'd like to remind you that it was you who told me the first, and so loudly, I must admit, that one of your colleagues may have heard it.

So, after your last mail I must say you are the most cruel and the most promise-breaking gentleman I know. I may exaggerate it, but you know what I mean. I never told the words which I had told you before to anyone in my life, and I remember you were amazed at the time you were reading them, even asked for repetition, and now you are just ridiculing, telling it to your wife and you are both discussing my naivety. But, despite my fascinating which you used to call suspending the rational judgement I was aware of the fact that it would finish as soon as the project finished, for it was clear, and I had no illusions on the continuation of our contact [except that later she expressed regret that there could be no further contact, and thought that it could be maintained on a friendly basis]. And because of that I had also a request to you not to tell anyone about my feeling. And you did give a word not to tell about the depth of my feeling to anyone. Afterwards who would they offend now? Only me being given up in such a disgraceful way, but no one else, I reckon.

So, in this case there appeares the question why are you so cruel, as you have said in one of your text, for D's sake? Do you feel satisfaction, or maybe, D feels happier when she knows I suffer now from being ridiculed and critisized by you? Is it a pure revenge for what she was experiencing during the whole summer, and because of my fault?

Dear K, in respond to all of that I want to tell you I am not playing for your sympathy or your compassion, as D thinks. If there is a person who needs this concern most of all in this situation, it is you, my dear K. I realised it when we saw each other for the last time, as you presume. And I am really concerned about you, but I know, you don't need it; you can't confess to it.

And please beleive me, my dream, as you also ridiculed me, is connected with some more important issue than a man for sexual relations, as you have mis-calculated. Neither you nor D know what can people who have children can dream about. And in my uncertain position, which I occasionally complicate myself the future of my daughter is the most important issue, as well as my work, as I am an independent and self-sufficient woman, never expecting favours from some superior people, and if expect, not in the way, you or you wife think. [Reference no. 8]

And one more question, which doesn't give me peace. How can I keep contact concerning education with [boss] when your wife blamed me in 'familiarity' to him? I really don't know what he thinks or knows. Here I hope my last question to you. T.

Then she obviously found my email, as a little while later this came.

T to K, 4th Dec 2006:
K, In my first part reply to your final request I have told you quite a lot to remember again that I had no intention to braek your marriage, [Reference no. 9] and I planned to take a long breath after Zwierzyniec to think hard before mailing, and if to mail at all. But both of you decided to thrash me to the complete end and you have unite your tremendous effort to confront me and what goes on further? What do you want?

Now it is my turn to ask you, K, do you want to spoil everything? (though I have no idea of what you mean in Zwierzyniec) Are you so weak as to complaint about me to your wife instead of starting to comfort her? She mails me in anger that I am still interrrupting into your life, but what have I done lately? - Wrote to you things which you have first said to me the day before without my asking that?

I have no doubt you will show it to D again, or are you only copying the things compromising me and show her, cutting those which are not flattering for your present situation?

I really hoped for the peaceful end, but I see you have been inspired by your wife on another 'Cold war', where I am getting not only the villain of the peace but also a family breaker, two labels I have never got before. [Reference no. 10] And here is my request, please, come off your beastly fight against me, don't forget you are a gentleman (a refined one, from a secular society, as you esteemed yourself) and I am only a woman. Please direct your wife's anger into some other flow, which will be more usefull for your rebuilding period. Or, being completely frank, tell her everything, our affair started with, about your keen interest on my personal life, about what you have done with my mariage, don't be so unilateral. Both you and D have uttered me only your vision of my intrusion into your life, but you were not interested even to know about my issues, repeating all the time that my situation is different. Yes, it differs much, because I am not able to re-discover hidden love after deceit, never tried it. Or, sorry, it will evoke the next avalanche of outrage from your spouse, as it contains personal smell. T.

Then I had my reply.

T to me, 4th Dec 2006:
Dear D, Now it is my turn to ask you to stop fighting with me. I have taken a short breath to calm down and to start the recovering (though it started to be complicated after the last training), and was considering about mailing to you, being willing not to do it any more, as I want to forget that hardest episode in my life, being aware of the fact that it is impossible to do it completely. That's why I totally disagreed with your husband for being as frank with you as having confessed everything, for your knowledge about the truth will complicate the temporal diminishing of those unpleasant events. However, it is not my business, after all. From the other hand if honesty and openness plays such an important role, let him be entirely open with you, I won't comment anything, neither I don't want to interfere your marriage, as you originally thought. The only thing I wanted to reply you, since you mailed me again, K has never discussed any of your marital problems with me, neither I asked him too much, though was interested in mine. [She is lying here, as K has told me that he mentioned about the lack of sex]

Another thing I want to remind you, and I am more than sure K has already informed you, I am just tired of that, especially after our last meeting, it is not only K, who looked suffering or you, as you are saying. So, please don't take me as a hostage of your personal problems and enrich your re-discovered love without hurting me, I am fed up with your united hostility. And, please, take into consideration the project matters, I quite agree with GC [project member from K’s workplace) that project issues should be superior to the personal ones, I tried to keep to this policy [no you didn't] and despite of my internal injueries came to the final week, though was quite reluctant to see your husband again and to re-experience old worries. But now it will be more complicated for the project, for, though it ended, I have to send some more material and, as I intended to break any contact with K, it brings complications indeed. But here I should take into consideration your personal matters (both of yours) and consider your personal issues which emerge over project ones. On the other hand K has doubts about my honesty and fears that I can take money without re-earning it. [No he doesn't - where do you get that idea] So now I wonder how he assures about my translations, it is his problem up to him to resolve.

Please, get off me, sorry if it sounds rude, but I want to work in peace with my own thoughts and finish my project work wich depends now only on my consciousnes and my liability to the project. As you can see people have some trust in me and M didn't perform the role of Communist Party leader (the very case reminds me of that dull Soviet epoch, when someone suspicious wrote to Party boss with complaints and the fate of suspected one was resolved.) but was fair in his judgements, though I don't blame you for that. [Subtle reference no. 11]

As you can see I quite agree with you that episode left no one without being damaged. So it is high time to stop confrontation, and for you to start your re-marriage process, you are in better position, whatever it returns to you, because I wonder about possibility of restoring my destroyed marriage, but I don't involve anyone in this issue, and don't attact anybody, as reasonably see the main leader to the situation.

I don't expect reply, and if it occurs, I won't respond, I am too exgausted with that. Give me a short break for rest and not to hate your native language which I enjoy both studying and teaching and was sublimally so severely punished for that. T.

After this, things started to calm down. There were project emails exchanged, some with vague sarcastic comments mingled in, but I was just so relieved that K didn't have to meet with her again. I really thought that we were about to see and hear the last of her.

Part 9

2007-06-06T21:01:00.000Z

So, it was getting closer to K's next visit to Poland, along with a couple of colleagues. K sent me an email, forwarding one that he'd just received from T, saying that she is under pressure at her school because of her students' poor exam results and she was beginning to panic, hence all the confused personal stuff the email contained. He had drafted a response, which he had attached, split between work and personal, but which also defended me, which he said needed to be done, because she thought my 'influence' was at work. In other words, she thought that I was trying to get her taken off the project, which of course I had done a few weeks before this by emailing the project leader in Poland, but hadn't done anything further, as it was at too late a stage to find someone to replace her. I really do wish I had persevered with this and insisted that she was removed. I wish I had told more people and really finished it there and then.

T to K, 20th Nov 2006:
K, After everything has happened within the project, including the issue of business and private interractions, I became very suspicious about the sense of being trustful to anyone who looks helpful because after some time it turns out that it can be turned against me. This happened with me when I told you sincerely about my feelings to you, and you seemed just to jeer at them first persuading me to make a full of myself and apologise for everything I've done before your wife, as if it were only my fault; and then telling her all the things, which I did hope would stay between us, transfering me the information in such a way, as if everything that we experienced was a total shame, that I should feel guilty and miserable, after which I haven't recovered yet, and it will take me still long to regain the ballance.

From the other side, I keep all the things you told me, which concern your personal life and your relations with your colleagues for myself, understanding that if someone trusts me I should respect it. So now I am being torn again between the things I can trust you or either should restrain in myself. But the whole situation looks like that I am not foreseen to be let to the training courses, or only for too short. I wonder if I can tell you more, as you know my confidence and trust to people is very damaged now, and I/m afraid if the results of my students' exams will turn out to be worse I really don't know how things will go. For the while I should check 38 works by the end of the week. I am not afraid of the challenge of translation, it is enough for me to look through the day before, but I am afraid of our meeting and of general look that I got frightened your wife because she threatened me and avoid my participating in the last session after the whole year of its duration. I can't really understand why the opinion has changed in our school just before the end. T.

K to T, 21st Nov 2006:
Dear T, I don't think we can allow our requests in respect of the translation work we have sent to cause you problems at work. But first of all, consider that if your students have done badly in your absence on project work, then they and the school must need you. Your students' failure without you, compared to how they do when you are there teaching them, demonstrates how good you are for them and the school.

Second, the school said it is alright for you to be involved in the project and therefore any problems arising from its decision are not your fault or responsibility. I think, however, that the school is trying to reduce the effect of the project, and your and B's absences working on the project. Perhaps [school head] is feeling uncomfortable that the first results under her headship are poor, reducing your input with only one more week of training to go is, as we say here, shutting the gate after the horse has bolted (run away). You remember that [boss] has said that your services as translator, and your knowledge of, and commitment to the project, are essential, if that is any help to you.

Turning to the personal, I have never laughed at your feelings. Never. I still find it flattering and amazing and certainly not to be jeered at. You seem to be saying that I have made out that what happened is entirely your fault but this is just wrong. You know how you tend to look for blame and take it upon yourself, but I have always insisted that I did the persuading, and though it takes two to tango, it was me who did the pushing. And I have never said it was shameful (except possibly as a joke that I cannot remember saying).

I don't know how you construct such ideas, except, perhaps, in a form of despair that distorts how a person sees things. The same happened with D, though remember that she had to cope with deception as well. She did believe then, that it was all your fault, because of what she thought she knew, and her mail to you was one of desperation based on the deception and her perception of you based on those lies. You should not take to heart statements made in those circumstances. D has not written more mails, has not spoken to anyone else (and neither have I) and she has not tried to remove you from the project since her mail to you, so this pressure from school is something different.

And as for when we meet, you need not fear. You are still a project colleague and friend and we will treat each other respectfully. Only you, me and D know the extent of our involvement. Just two others have some knowledge that we were any closer than colleagues and no-one else will be any the wiser when we meet again. K.

I was getting pretty fed up with all these emails, which appeared to me to be fishing for some more sympathy and perhaps some expression of regret that the affair had to end. I insisted that K did not make any overly regretful comments, but I think I agreed to far too many exchanges as a result of her emails. If I had stopped it earlier she would have calmed down, but each email from K just provoked more sorrow and vitriol. K kept insisting that he hadn't ended it 'gently' enough, and he thought he should try and word things differently, to try and pacify her. I foolishly kept agreeing to 'just one more' email. So, K went off to Poland, sending me reassuring text messages that all was OK and that T wasn't able to say much to him. I had composed an email, which I showed K before he went, but I realised later that I should have waited till he returned home before sending it. I was just so angry, but tried to keep the words as calm as I could. I sent it the day after K arrived. Looking at it now, it was a little foolish trying to reason with an affair partner. All the advice says not to get mixed up in this kind of exchange, but when your nerves are in a frazzle reason doesn't come into it.

Me to T, 26th Nov 2006 (while K was over there):
T, I had originally said to K that I wouldn’t write to you, and I was quite hesitant about doing so. But I now feel a need to say something, in response to some of the things you have said over the past few weeks, so that you may, perhaps, have some understanding of my side of the situation (and maybe putting it in writing will help to ease my mind of this conflict). And please be aware that I have shown this email to K before I sent it. I didn’t want to go behind his back with this, respecting the fact that he is now being open and honest with me, not to cool my blood, as you mentioned in an earlier email, but in order that I may re-establish some trust in him again. As you can imagine, my trust levels have been severely depleted in recent months.

As for me threatening you, my original email to you was not a threat – it was written in pure anger. At the time I believed that the situation between you and K was that you had been asked not to send personal emails and texts, and thought that you were blatantly disregarding that request. It was written in complete ignorance of what was really happening, as it is now obvious that you hadn’t been told to stop, as I had been led to believe. I suppose the threat you referred to with your comments in subsequent emails to K - “Can you stop her threatening me?” and, “…did D stop or I will get some more accusations?” – was my email to M asking him to remove you from the project. This was my only logical course of action – to expose the ‘emotional relationship’ (as I thought it was at the time) and prevent anything further happening. As it turns out, it was too late for that, but M does not know this. I have not contacted him again.

In regard to the comment in your reply to my last email, I am not curious as to why this affair happened, and yes, K has told me the reasons, and has not made you to be the villain. I know there were problems in our marriage, as K must have discussed with you (I am under no illusion that this wasn’t discussed), but to suggest that… “It is not flattering for a woman if her husband strays, something must be wrong” seems to be suggesting, as I see it, that it is mostly my fault. K contributed his fair share of mistakes in our relationship too, it may surprise you to know, and he has freely admitted to this. It takes two people to make or break a relationship – both should take responsibility for any problems that arise, and both should work together to address and solve these problems. Even if something is wrong, that is not justification for having an affair.

So, to get to the main point of my mail: You say you are having difficulty regaining balance. Maybe, with all these sorrowful emails you keep sending, you are playing for sympathy and you are trying to get more regret and compassion from K about the way you were let down – I don’t know. I am probably making assumptions again that I shouldn’t do. And if I was wrong in my initial assumption about your motives for the affair, then I apologise, but at the time, and with the information I had been given, I could not find any other explanation for what you were doing and why.

Please, though, take a moment to consider my side of the story – how I regain my balance. You have known K for about a year, met on 6 or 7 occasions, and had only email and text contact for the majority of that time. I, on the other hand, have spent most of my life with him. We have been together for 30 years and celebrate (or at least we will try to) our 25th wedding anniversary in January. Imagine, if you can, my shock when, in May this year, I discovered some text messages that were not simply a sign of an innocent friendship. I went into a panic, we talked and I was reassured that everything would be OK. I was told that you were asked not to send any more personal texts and emails, and that we will start to rebuild our relationship. Then what? I assumed that things were OK, but was still wary that you had to maintain contact due to the project, but then I found out other little things – that you were seen holding hands by a university colleague; that K had intended to keep in contact with you after the project ended, despite telling me that he wouldn’t. The reassurance continued. During this time I lost weight, and had many health problems, brought on by the stress of not really knowing what was happening. It was not a nice summer, and K was watching me suffer with this stress, and all the time keeping up the liaison with you, unknown to me. How do I regain balance after that blow?

So, being very anxious about K’s visit to the Ukraine last month, and these previous incidents, I decided to look into his work emails. I am not proud at having done this, and was really not expecting to find anything, thinking to myself I must be paranoid, but to my shock I discover your email – “I will be dreaming of you for 3 nights” – which prompted my initial message to you. Let me tell you, T, my balance was way off for the rest of that week until K returned, which ended in his confession of the true extent of the relationship. Of course, I now know that, despite all the reassurances I received following my discovery of the text messages in May, you and K slept together at the hotel in [work city], only a matter of days after this reassurance was given. How do I regain my balance after that, and all the subsequent lies? I wish I knew a simple answer, but I know I will regain it. The simple thing would be to give up the marriage, but that’s the coward’s way out.

We are now working through all these issues. Like you, I am doing much crying over this, all the time wondering how I can stop the images in my mind of you two together – how long that will take I don’t know, but I’m told it will diminish with time. Like you, I also have to try and get over what K did to me. Unlike you, though, I have to look at him every day and try not to let it be such a barrier to our renewed efforts to have a better marriage. Easier said than done, I think. So, I have much work to do in regaining my balance. At some point, I have to forgive, – for my own peace of mind as well – otherwise there would be no point in continuing.

It has been a sorry episode for all of us, but one which cannot now be changed. We can only work on the future. The continuation of the project, even for so short a time, is making this process a little more difficult for me, knowing that there still has to be some contact with you, so please refrain from sending personal emails, and personal stuff mixed in project emails, for the remaining project time, in order that we can all attempt to move on with our lives more quickly. Regain balance? Perhaps one day. With these issues in mind, please accept and respect the decision that K has made (and it is his decision, not forced by me) and try to move on yourself, as we are attempting to do. D.

I then got a reply.

T to Me, 26th Nov 2006:
D, I have read your mail and must ensure you that you can be safe and start your regaining confidence. I have come back home as I have too much to have been done for tomorrow at my work at school, so the gentlemen will have to speak Polish with Poles and Ukrainian with Ukrainians tomorrow and you will be also calm about my being close to K, as now I am very far,about 70km off.

But it is not the main point. The matter is I have noticed that K appeared to have survived hard times and lookes really tired with a trail of suffering. I will write you longer mail when have time which I think will reassure you, as now I am to prepare a big time-consuming report for tomorrow. So, you my see the project has brought me not only personal problems but working to the ground for the whole year period.

I don't need anyone's sympathy, I want you to know it, I am a reserved and lonely person, though I have a family and many friends, and I have learnt to cope with my personal problem on my own. The last one has brought me a good lesson.

Here I must close as my work can be done by me only, no one will do it for me. Best wishes to you, T.

P.S. It had to be a short reply, but I failed again. In this way you mispercepted me when I wrote a mail to [boss], [reference no. 7] where I thanked for their hospitability and expressed my excitement and fascination with the UK and its people (it's a good explanation after a lady in the airport helped me to refind my flight ticket), but not even a hint to personal matters. Foreigners can do stylistic mistakes!

Back to the future

2007-06-05T20:02:00.000Z

Before continuing with the email saga, I would just like to update about how we are now. Everything I am writing in the 'Part xx' sections happened in the past, interspersed with more recent issues. We are now in a much better place than we were a few short months ago. K is much more caring and considerate of my feelings, and we have hardly said a bad word to each other in months. I had a bit of a minor breakdown on holiday during the second week, but since our return I have really been trying to get my brain in gear. I have been on anti-depressants, but I have not taken them religiously. Some days are still a bit sour, but I have been much better overall. We also had another little weekend break, in order to test a new trailer tent we bought a few weeks ago. It was a very good break.

For the past few weeks I have been formulating some questions about the affair. I originally said that I did not want to ask any detailed questions, especially of the kind that would not help us to move forward, but there were certain things bugging me. According to Marriage Builders, you should also not ask a question if you think you won't be able to take the answer. So, with that in mind, I thought very carefully about what to ask, based on what I'd been thinking about. I thought at first that I would be better with the imaginings, as they would soon fade, but as time went on I realised that I needed something more concrete. I simply wanted to get the story straight, so I decided to go ahead and ask. My questions were in chronological order, from my discovery of the text messages and the following months, during which I was told a pack of lies, so that it built a timeline that I could follow. First of all I gave K something to read that I had written when I was in a bad place, but I thought that he needed to know how I was feeling, even though we'd been over some of it before. I just wanted him to get the picture.

I told him that I thought he'd exaggerated his 'disaffections' about our previous relationship in order to justify his affair, but he said that he'd been unhappy for some time. I made the point that I was unhappy too, and also wanted some affection and closeness, and he should have talked about his feelings. Instead he assumed that an affair was justified. We've gone over this before, but I wanted him to get it into his head that this was not the answer to our problems. I explained what I'd been thinking about a few days ago - that I have been on the verge of leaving several times, and I had been thinking that I should have left him years ago. He didn't have much to say on that. I mentioned about his so-called recovery plan - let's just be nicer to one another than before - and how that would not have worked. I worked the MB plan to a certain extent, and managed to get things done in a way that I was happy with, without causing too much resentment and argument. I am also trying to let go of my anger, to K and to T. She will soon not be having this power over me any longer. I am trying not to waste any more time and energy worrying whether she will contact K again. Well, she won't be able to anyway, as K's email account was recently cancelled by the university, thinking that he no longer needed it. Theoretically, he doesn't, as he now works for our boss in his separate consultancy business, but boss wanted K to keep his presence in the old office. He hasn't been going to the old office very often, as he can check the emails via webmail. They have now given him a new account, but he can still access his old saved emails. So, after spending all that time trying to figure out how to manually bounce her emails (should she decide to send one) they are now bouncing as a matter of course. Result!!

So, to my questions, which were asked just before we went on our weekend break. Apologies to those of a delicate constitution if there is TMI here!

Q) Were the justifications (for the affair) and disaffections (with our relationship) constructed (or magnified) later when you decided to initiate the affair? (perhaps in order to justify it to yourself) [because we all know that there is really no justification for an affair, but I can sort of see how waywards feel justified in doing so. I suppose no one ever really knows how they will react if someone pays them some attention, when you've been deprived of that for some time, so I can see the other side to a certain extent]
A) K repeated the 'excuse' that he was not happy and the opportunity presented itself. We didn't really get anywhere with this one.

Q) Were you exchanging intimate messages before the Feb visit? I noticed, but ignored the fact, that you sat next to her when we went on the meals [I went to a couple of the outings with the group when they came over on the Feb 2006 visit]. Could explain the ‘icy look’ incident with the jacket she bought [see FLASHBACK, Part 1].
A) They were becoming closer friends then, but nothing intimate had been exchanged at that point, just friendly banter. He knew he liked her by then.

Q) What actually happened in April? [K's lone visit over there - April 2006] Where were you? How did you get together? What did you say to attract her? Did she respond straight away?
A) Initially, K expressed concern about what he had to say. I said not to worry - he had already told me something fairly upsetting some time ago. He explained again about a misunderstanding of something someone said that resulted in K and T being alone in Krakow. So they were in the same hotel, but in separate rooms. They had dinner and then T asked if K wanted some brandy that was in her room, so off they went. K said he tried to kiss her and she turned away, so they finished the drink and he went back to his room. The next morning she came round as K was packing and apologised for turning away. [So, if she hadn't done this, none of this would have happened, as K would not have made another attempt] They ended up kissing and then onto the bed. Intercourse did not take place, but K said that he was 'manually stimulating' her, but she wasn't climaxing very easily. I can't really remember how we ended this question, but I remember thinking that this was no worse than the last time he explained it, so I don't know what was worrying him about answering?

Q) In May [2006] when at Ibis, you sent text to me by mistake (about coming to your room). Was that really about translation or was that an intimate meeting? Must have discussed the situation - about me finding the texts?
A) It was really about translation matters. Yes, finding the texts was discussed at some time during that week.

Q) What did you talk about when you were alone? What did you tell her about me/us? Did you ever tell her you loved her? Did you send steamy texts/emails?
A) Various subjects. He didn't reveal any personal matters about me. He said that he didn't love her the same way she loved him, but didn't answer the question as to whether he'd ever told her he loved her. He did send her intimate text messages, but cannot remember what they said.

Q) June – who initiated the liaison there? How? What happened?
A) K initiated, by texting her to come to his room the following morning. [this was an early morning session] He couldn't remember the exact wording.

Q) How long did she stay in your room?
A) One or two hours.

Q)How many times in total did you have sex?
A) 3 occasions - twice in May 2006 in the hotel in [city where we work] and once in the hotel in the town where the group had an overnight stay when they were away on a visit to various tourist attractions [this was the June morning liaison].

Q) I thought you said a while ago that you'd managed it twice one time.
A) Oh yes, four times in total - 3 times [in two liaisons] at the hotel in [city of work] and once in hotel when on the overnight stay.

Q) Was she passionate or passive?
A) Neither really, in between.

Q)Did you have oral sex?
A) Yes. [followed by silence and a blank stare]

Q) You to her, or her to you?
A) Me to her. [By this point I am shaking]

Q) Which occasion was this?
A) April in Krakow. [So, this was the reason for the hesitation on the earlier question about this visit, when he omitted to reveal this little snippet, probably not imagining for one minute that I would ask it outright] Apparently, K had already climaxed (This was his first sexual encounter for some years, so I guess he was a little excited!) and he was trying to stimulate her by hand, but she was having difficulty climaxing, and his hand was aching (!!), so he figured that the only way to end it was to perform oral. Hey ho!

Q) Did you ever mention that we’d resumed intimacy? [which we had done in May 2006, shortly after I discovered the text messages, and shortly after he'd spent a week away bonking her for the first time]
A) No.

Q) What were your thoughts when you found T’s ‘dreaming about you’ email prior to your October trip? Did you look forward to seeing her?
A) He didn't think much about the email - he hadn't replied. He was looking forward to seeing her again, as a friend, but he hadn't thought that anything could happen as he was sharing a room with a male colleague who had joined the project.

Q) You said that the information you passed on to her [certain things I'd told K] were relevant to your relationship what you were about, but the jacket/icy stare incident would not have affected anything you were doing – that was simply passing on what I said for no good reason. [This incident came back to me while we were on holiday in July 2006 and I happened to mention it to K] Did she deny it at the time of telling – presumably in October? She then spun a false story about it in one of her later emails.
A) He couldn't remember what she said about the jacket incident when told, but she did ask why I was so sure that she was trying to con him in order to get a UK passport. K told her that there was a lot of stuff in the British press about that sort of thing, so that probably influenced me.

Q) How can you make me feel safe that you can prevent this happening again? Either being tempted to re-establish contact, or to reply if she contacts you, or even with someone else?
Do I just have to have blind trust? Do you have any plan to help rebuild my trust?
Can you guarantee that you are going to adhere to your morals and principles in future?
A) He didn't really know, but appreciated that what he did was very wrong and selfish. When I pointed out that he's always condemned people who lie, and didn't he feel he was doing something wrong, he said that he only started to feel guilty after I found the texts and he had to start lying, as it was then that he also decided not to end the emotional affair, but went on (the following week, no less) to make it a physical affair. I pointed out the anomaly of this, and that his action before I found the texts was still a lie and a betrayal. He agreed.

We didn't lose our tempers or anything of that nature, so it was all very civilised. When we got to bed, my mind started to think of other things to add, but K was already asleep (how do they do that?!!), so I didn't sleep very well. The following morning I asked him to reassess what he said, in that he made it sound as if what he was doing was OK until I found out. He only felt guilt after I found the incriminating text messages from T and he had to start the lies. He agreed that it didn't sound right, but that he wasn't inventing the justifications and excuses for the affair - he thought this was the answer. He said, "I didn't think you cared. I didn't think I cared, but I do." One thing that has made me feel better is that he has genuinely apologised a few times, showing real remorse at last. He had said a few months ago that he didn't want to be apologising for the rest of his life. Up until then he'd only apologised once and thought that was that. On Saturday morning, before we set off on our short camping break, he hugged me and said, "I do love you, much more than I realised." And while we were away, he hugged me again and said, "This reminds me of the happy times we used to have, before I was so stupid, although I was still being nasty to you." And yesterday morning, as I left for work on my own, as K is down with the dreaded 'man-flu', he said, "I am proud of you for having the strength of character to fight through this." I do wish he'd stop making me cry!!

I will leave you with a quote I found somewhere: “People don’t have affairs because somebody else did something. They have affairs because conditions overwhelmed a weakness of theirs that they did not protect.”

Part 8

2007-05-30T19:30:00.000Z

I'm getting a bit mixed up with the emails, as I have some printed out and some saved on the computer. They mostly match up, but it appears I have some filed that are not printed out, so I think I've gone a bit out of time, but never mind - you get the jist, I'm sure.

Just after K returned from the Ukraine visit, he went to see our boss to make some plans for the next visit. He obviously didn't tell him the whole story, but had to tell him that he and T had developed a friendship that I was not happy with. I'm not quite sure what boss thought of that excuse! He made arrangements that would put K some miles from T for a couple of days, and then they would only come together with the group later, when he would be sharing a room with [boss] or one of his other colleagues. K thought that T would not have a chance to do or say anything, but also thought that she would have cooled off by then. As it turned out, this plan did not happen as stated.

I had, half joking, said that I would take unpaid leave and go with him, but K thought I was serious and felt it necessary to warn T of this (he was only telling her things that affected their relationship and what they were about, apparently!). K said to me that it would not look good on him, and would have people talking, if I were to go, so I decided to give that one a miss. Oh, how I wish I'd gone!!

So, K continued to try and keep to project matters, but T insisted on sprinkling personal stuff in with the project emails, and continued to send more 'please feel sorry for me' emails. In one email to T, K enquired quite innocently about one of the Polish member's plans for the November visit.

T to K, 23rd October:
K, If it is so neccessary for you to know about B's plan, all the atmosphere around the project is so dull and pressing that I can't think normally about it. I've still appealed to my sober thinking reply to your last Advice-breaking mail, but couldn't focus on it as well as on the rest of my work. So, it wil be replied later, but shall be. Awfull splitting headache and bad frame of mind are following me for several days. B told me she was going to take you (sorry, the rest of your colleagues) to Horyniec and to show Oleszyce's main sites. As for her training program for Monday (November 27th) she has resigned it at all, having transferred it for week 2 or 3. I wrote about it to M [project leader] yesterday. If you are so interested about my weekend, it wasn't as good, as yours, I suppose, as I haven't seen the dearest to me person, my daughter, and good fun lasted only as long as my stay at the Polish wedding. Then all came back to the same state. Oh, I am breaking the ban! It's high time to stop here till my frame of mind changes. Best wishes to you. T.

Then a few days respite, followed by more outpouring of emotions. I think she was really after some words of regret from K about why and how he finished with her. He didn't quite give her that satisfaction, but he still insisted on wanting to try and soften the blow to her, much to my chagrin.

T to K, 27th Oct 2006 (entitled 'non-project, the last one' - but it wasn't quite the last one!):
Dear K, My rational judgement prompts me not to use the adjective in front of your name any more, but my soul and my heart still are influenced by the experience I have recently survived, starting from so sweet recalls and finishing so unpredictably, affecting my consciousness and my further life, having brought me so much pains and sorrows. Frankly speaking, I am not sure I will say here all I have wanted, as hardly I see your name, all the emotions occupy me, replacing the common sense. Besides, being not a native speaker, I can express something not properly enough, so it may lead again to misunderstanding.

When I came back from Ukraine having scary weekend at home with a poor sick little one and parents’ complaints, and discovered my other problems, including D’s mail [which I'd sent while K was in the Ukraine, around the 12th Oct 2006] (having read it between lessons) I still could move and think. Though she blamed me in things, I have never been aware of, [mention number 4] I understood how much she was fighting for her marriage, which I injured unintensionally, expressing only my feeling, demanding nothing in return, trying to prepare myself emotionally to the logical end, as you have been promising since summer. Despite of all the accusations she had sprinkled on me, which were indirect from our affair and were just conceived (as trapping an unsuspicious Englishman for the sake of the passport) [mention number 5], or MAILING to [BOSS] familiar emails! Or texting him! Yes I once texted him when I got visa, without knowing exactly whose number it was as I thought it was Faculty’s. I also mailed a thankful mail after our return from UK in February, full of positive emotions about the country of my dream (I never concealed it) about the people leaving there, expressing my nice impressions after my first visit. But trying to ruin marriage in such a way? It is really too-far-going. But when a woman defends her marriage, or fighting for her only man, all ways are justificated, I presume, though I have never done it, I always thought men were not worth it, and I was right (there are, of course, exceptions, not to hurt you again).

But when I read your mail, sent from D’s mailbox, or better to say designed by her, I got frozen. All of that between us should have died between us, but not to go out into the public. I felt as if I was thrown into mud full of sewage and someone was cutting me through. It was an awfull feeling, I couldn’t realize it at that moment, as it was so sudden, so cold-heartedly as if I were a piece of log, put on the fire to heat someone’s ego not to consider that wood can also feel pain (though I have never been indifferent to someone’s problems or feling, no one called me cruel before). I still can’t pull through that shock, the more time passes, the more it beats me, affecting my confidence, my health, my relations with other people. I don’t know how much water should flow under the bridge at least for me to return to the state I had been a year before. Though, I know it’ll never happen again, as well as regaining peace in my family, I don’t desire more as it was lost some time before we met.

I may have offended you again, telling that men aren’t worth being fought for, but my experience makes me think so. Of course, each man choses whatever is closer to him, trying to act in a way which is most suitable for him, and in some critical situations all around are not existing. I have realised it and this affair has taught me a lesson for all my life to keep away from anyone who may be interested to avoid further problems, regrets, and other consequenses. Of course, being more mature than 20 years ago, when similar happened to me, but situation was different and I was different [hmmm!], I was younger and didn’t care, and the feelings and emotions were different. That’s why now it is so hard to bear all the burdends of my blows and my emotional collapse. I felt that something terrible for me was approaching in Iv-Frankovo, that’s why my behaviour was a bit unsteady, in order to hide my worriers, but that thing could have appeared as they have, I couldn’t ever foresee. You may be surprised what exactly has injuried me so much, if I could have known the end, but apparently I couldn’t foresee it as it turned out to be, with so much disgrace, nothing to speak about moral suffering.

You know, I told you about my character, I am a steady person, in my tastes, in my convictions, in my feeling. This is the main reason of my nowadays’ state, which can’t be healed in a week or two. But still worse for me is the aftermath of all this situation concerning my daughter. During the last months I felt I was loosing the contact with her dramatically, being a bad mother for her, neglecting her needs in my love, turning my feelings to some other direction. Now it is more and more difficult for me to rebuilt our contact, to turn her to me.

Oh, I think I am not brief, and how can I be, when I was keeping it for so long, forcing myself to forget everything, but again, I am not a piece of wood. All is still alive and still tortures me.

Another thing, a bit closer to the ground, but not lighter for me, you tell me in one of the text that D wanted to fly with you, why? I’m sure not to shake my hand. But why on earth M’s [project leader] wife is jealous of me? Did I give her reason? A is much younger and, I’m sure, prettier, and I have spoken to her on the phone, we texted several times. I thought she trusted me, texting for M on my mobile, but what is going on? And it is not first hand information to learn it from you [I think K had passed on this information after reading M's email reply to me after I emailed him about my concern over their friendship]. So who has tried to do that? I learned it from B! How many people in the project know about all my problems which I have never had before? But nevertheless, I don’t want to drop from the project because of this “vanity fair” around my person. Not for money, of course, for since I’ve joined it I lost most of my private students and my rolling in fresh money every day stopped, turning into waiting for accounts, when I haven’t got my remuneration for June yet, as the new tranche has only just moved. I think, it is a silly idea to escape because someone is ill thinking about you, (and now it seems all are) showing your guilt in something you have never had any idea of. I will last to the end, how difficult would it be for me, and the only my guilt was that I fell in with a man who has treated me as a piece of junk, when the situation forced him. But I am not blaming you, typing it, my eyes are full of tears, but I can’t say it different. Well, I deserved it.

Even when I stop writing you such unpleasant stuff I will always remember how I hurt you without wanting it. One more fear of mine, how many more people will read it? I do hope not more than two. Dear K, I’ll never write you something like that again, but I wanted you to know more about me and my soul where you unintentionally spat. Keep alive and strong. T.

I received an email from K saying:
She has now sent a text - "K, Read my nit mail. Bad 4U? Not 2 hurt u but 4U 2 know what is going on in my mind. It was the last one with tears n sorry. I had 2 do it not 2 return 2 the issue. T" My response - "OK, understand. K" Now, that should be it for both of you and I hope we can truly move forward. LK.

Well, I was hoping to move forward, but obviously T had other ideas.

T to K, 30th Oct 2006:
Dear K, You still seem not to understand me. I have never given you a hint of leaving D, please, don't make me feel a monster. I have never even had such an idea, it would be too cruel of me. I was only naively fascinated with your person.

On the other hand, the idea of corresponding in English from time to time, which can be regarded as trying to steal the unsuspecting man for the sake of passport still doesn't give me piece and comfort [mention number 6]. Such an accusation is so alien to me, that is still ruins me from inside and interferes my life. I have always tried to correspond with native speakers in order to improve my vocabulary.

Afterwards, I apologise for all I have done for you, as it follows that I was the main villain. Of course all positive moments cannot be taken into consideration here.

Thank you for your care about my family issues, I was too short and it is still alarming with my dad, so that the brother has to come to persuade him to go to hospital I hope you are still better. T.

Then we had a bit of a respite, until the next visit to Poland was drawing closer.

I'm back

2007-05-24T10:10:00.000Z

I have been back from holiday for a week and still trying to catch up with stuff - washing, ironing, editing all the photos, etc. And I haven't been on top of the world since our return. In fact the second week of the holiday wasn't too good, as it was the 1-year anniversary of when K stayed in the hotel with the Poles/Ukrainians and slept with T. K says I don't normally put emphasis on anniversaries (of things such as deaths, etc.) so he wonders why am I letting these get to me. I don't know the answer to that one, except perhaps that this is the anniversary of a severe personal injury whereas, for instance, the death of someone close is an upsetting period of grieving/mourning for a while afterwards, and then you get on with life. Remembering that it would have been their birthday had they still been alive does not hold the same feelings as remembering that on this date your husband decided to sleep with another woman, and you have to look at him for the rest of your life with this knowledge. They say it gets easier with time, but that the scars never go away altogether. There will always be some element of the affair hanging on in your mind, no matter how 'recovered' you appear to be. Do I really want that? I keep looking for a sign that everything will be fine one day, and that our relationship will be on a new, better, level, but at the moment I just can't see it. K thinks that reading MB and the infidelity books is 'immersing' myself in the subject, and this is what's holding me back. He feels 'resentful' that I keep getting upset. I know he doesn't want to be reminded of this all the time, but I am not feeling like this on purpose. I want to feel better. Perhaps some of it is the hormonal turmoil of menopause (of which depression is one symptom), but once I'm low it's thoughts of the affair that start to surface and from which I feel powerless to escape. I think if it was just menopause I had to deal with I would be fine.

I have been reading some interesting threads on MB about when the pain goes away, and how do you reach a state of true happiness again. And the 'We Made It' blog also has some interesting points about this subject. In the back of my mind is the thought that some time ago I was not happy in this marriage (so it wasn't only K who was dissatisfied), and I keep wondering why I fought for it. Perhaps this is the depression talking. I had similar thoughts soon after d-day, but decided not to make rash decisions when my mind was in such a state. I still don't think it's in a fit state to make this choice, but it's a thought that keeps coming back to haunt me - would it be easier on my own? K is trying to help me (although he does not know about these thoughts), but he still keeps trying to 'fix' me by making what he thinks are useful suggestions, which they are in a way, but he doesn't see that it isn't that simple. Perhaps I should tell him what I'm thinking, but that would probably make him wonder whether to keep trying, if at the end of it I decide to pack it all in. Or maybe it would make him try harder. Or maybe he thinks he's doing enough and would be reluctant to do more. Rambling now.

I have some new anti-depressants, due to the side effects of the others, but this one sends you to sleep (which I badly needed), but I'm still on cloud 9 and it's almost lunch time! Not sure how long I'll take them, but I'll give them a chance.

All in all the holiday was very good. We went with a couple of people (both male), one of whom we met for the first time only a few weeks ago, and the other person is someone I met on a forum some time ago and we've corresponded and met in person a few times in the past. We had a great time and some good laughs, but as I said the second week was a bit of a trial. I was OK when we were together in a group, but alone in our room I tended to slip a bit. Anyway, there will be a report on my other blog soon - once I've edited some of the 500 photos! And I'll be updating here soon, once I get all the remaining emails in proper order - they're in a bit of a mess in my inbox at the moment, as they were forwarded out of date order.

Part 7

2007-04-26T21:10:00.000Z

So, after the last email from T, K went to see our boss to see if there was any way he could get out of going across again in November, or at least reduce any contact with T as much as possible. I had half-heartedly threatened to go across with him on this next trip - and K then passed this little snippet on to T, saying later that he thought I meant it and that she should know. He didn't tell boss the full extent of their relationship - just that they had developed a close enough friendship to upset me, or words to that effect. So, some plans were made to send K somewhere else when the group were meeting at T's school and then they would not meet up until a day or so later, giving only three or four days together, along with all the others. As it turned out, the plan did not happen exactly in this way.

Anyway, during the next few weeks, in fact right up to K's trip over there in November, emails went back and forth between K and T. She was evidently upset at the way it had ended, and she was thinking that I had gone to all and sundry with the story, and K continued to feel that he had been too blunt in his ending of the affair and wanted to make it a more 'gentle' let-down. He didn't want to appear to be treating her badly, after all that had happened between them. His words were something along the lines of: "I don't like treating people like dirt". [Oh yeah? What about how you treated me then!!!!] And he said he couldn't start hating her all of a sudden, no matter how much I wanted him to. I think he also felt that their next meeting would be embarrassing for him, so he wanted to soften the blow a little, so that he wouldn't feel too bad in front of her. Never mind how I felt at all this continued contact between them. I just kept thinking that he was more concerned with her feelings than he was about mine. He did, at one point later on, when confronted with this opinion, say that her continuous ramblings were more like a poodle compared to my pit-bull approach. And he did have to live with me, whereas T was hundreds of miles away.

T followed up her last email with a text message, asking "who else knows about the sorry mess". K said to me that he owed her a reply, and then that would be that. We met and spoke about it and he showed me the email he had drafted, and I agreed to it, and said that I hoped this would be the last one.

K's email, 17th Oct 2006:
Dear T, [boss] knows something of our relationship and D wrote to M last week to tell him of her suspicions. He responded graciously and I shall be contacting him soon but I will not reveal the depth of our relationship, though he may make a guess. No-one else knows how deep except you, me and D.

I do not think I have misled you and some of your assumptions are wrong. I did tell you last week that I could not continue the lies and deceit, so you must have had an idea of what might happen. Even if it was less gentlemanly than you might have expected from me, an abrupt ending was necessary once I had told D the truth. If this does not sound too patronising, I know you are a resilient, strong and independent woman and that you will recover. Regards K.

T's reply, 17th Oct 2006:
Dear K, I've never thought that for regaining the trust with D after making a step astray (it is entirely your business) it was necessary for you to jeopardise my situation and you had to be so vindictive, as to let it out for the other people to know. I am sure you are still doing experiments on my recilience and my patience, and I even guess in what a way. Where will be the border of your cruelty? How far are you going to reach my failure? Are you going to ruin your own building of my self-confidence, or still so far to deprive me of all my success at work? I told D that I had been so far from stealing you, it was another reason. Can you stop her from threatening me? T.

The only 'threatening' I'd done was to try and get her taken off the project before the next meeting in November, by writing to the Project Leader (M) who lives in Poland.

So, K forwarded the email to me, saying this was a 'very upset lady'. [Excuse me, but aren't I upset too???] And then another email had to be sent from K, just to try again to pacify her.

K to T, 18th Oct 2006:
Dear T, I know you said I did not have to write but there are some things I want you to know.

First I want to assure you that [boss] and I believe your knowledge of and commitment to the project are important to the last training session, but it is D who wrote to M, not me, and I don't know if he is proposing to do anything about that. [Boss] and M do not know the details, only that you and I have been close enough for it to cause difficulties for D.

D is a good IT person but she has assured me she did not hack into my mail account, she just found the staff website online log-in page by a simple search and then made a couple of guesses for passwords from her knowledge of me and some simple code about passwords in my diary. She is not trained enough to be a hacker and she has no way of getting your bank details. It was not her.

I do regret the brutally abrupt end. I would have preferred to have used the gentlemanly and gentle way, similar to when I told you last week that it was ending. The situation when I got home was so deeply disturbing and I was so concerned about D's situation that I knew I had to confess. And you are fond of psychology, so I think you will be aware that Marriage Guidance Counsellors and psychologists advise that a confession and a wish to stay together should be followed by a quick and clear end of an affair, with no excuses and no placatory words. I think that you know that, from these months that I have cared about you, I hated following the advice. I'm not really following the advice now, and the end has been painful me too, though not nearly as much as I have hurt you. And of course, I have to consider most of all, the months of pain I have caused D.

I'll be in touch about the project a little later. K.

T to K, 18th Oct 2006:
Dear K, I don't agree with your statement here to be truthful as for me it would be a great loss for the rest of my life to know my husband deceited me, and I would never come back to the previous feeling and that third person would always stand between us. [You mean like you are now, T?]

So, maybe in your situation it is another issue. I do beleive on M's common sense and his sensibility in such questions, though I am not sure if I can write to him about this problem. I can't still realize you have done it for me, for if not you than D will tell it to the others. Though on the other hnd it is not flattering for the woman if her husbnd strays, something must be wrong. [So, it's all my fault, then?]

I can't write any more now s it is a break and I don't want to appeare in front of my students in tears. And the last committments in the project would help me much in my financial situation. But again it depends upon the moral aspects of the gentlemen. Sorrowful T.
P.S. By the way did D stop or I will get some more accusations? [I think this, perhaps, is another reference to my accusation that she was trying to trap K to get a visa - denial number 3]

K again forwarded the email to me, asking if I wanted him to say a few words along the lines that neither of us would tell others anything and that I would not send her anything more. I can't find a copy of this email, but I did see it before it was sent. I really don't know why I kept agreeing to all these emails, but I suppose I thought she needed to get the message that it was over, although looking back, not answering would probably have been better. I kept hoping K would say something more positive about our resumed relationship, without it looking as if I was forcing him to put certain words, but I think he was hesitant about that, after all the stuff he probably told her about our relationship. She would have wondered why the turnaround in his attitude, and would have thought that I was pulling all the strings in preventing their ongoing relationship/friendship and that he was coming back to me under duress.

I think we had a little respite for a few days, during which K said that he would not respond to any more personal stuff, or at least say very little except for purely project matters. I think there were some exchanges about K and boss's next visit, which was coming up at the end of November. I was dreading this visit, but we did make some agreements as to what K would say, should T start talking personal again. This was all getting too much at this stage. I was crying every day and really switching between wanting to make it work, and wanting to run as far away as possible. I knew that my head wasn't right, so avoided making any hasty decisions, but it was sheer hell.

Intermission

2007-04-09T18:05:00.000Z

I'm still here, don't worry!! Just haven't been finding much time to keep this updated. I've been going through some very mixed emotions recently, just crazy thoughts that keep resurfacing, but things are beginning to take a better turn now. I vowed to myself that I would stay focussed over this Easter break and try not to mention the affair, so that we could both have a pleasant break, which it has been. K has been looking at me suspiciously, as if he expected me to crack any moment!!

I had to laugh the other day - we went out for the day, and I was driving, and we had a bit of a 'disagreement' about a particular turning to take. We soon got over it and carried on what we were doing, then a bit later we set off for home. The incident was totally out of my mind soon after it happened, but after we arrived home and put all the gear away, K came to hug me and said if I thought he'd said anything that upset me during the day, he was sorry. I thought that was really nice.

I am reading 'Not Just Friends' at the moment, and I skipped forward to the chapter on asking questions and found the bit that says if you're the type to investigate ailments on the Internet and know more about the disease than your doctor, or if you research for six months before buying a camera, then you're the type to want more details. I could really see myself in that description, so I mentioned it to K, and he said he was quite happy to answer any questions I might have. The only thing I need to do is to be sure of what, exactly, I want to ask. I have been writing the odd question down, for when the right time comes, but I am beginning to wonder whether to bother now, in view of the mood of this weekend, which has been very loving and pleasant, and we've begun to laugh and joke again (yes, we did do that before, but it all became a bit lost in the 'disaffection' that had taken hold). So, he is prepared to open up, it seems, although I doubt he would have come forward himself to offer the information - he would never have thought this was necessary. I think he just needed a bit of a nudge in the right direction in so far as what's needed for me to heal, and I think it's taken us so long because half the time I haven't really been able to decide for myself what I need. I'm accepting that he simply doesn't think like me, which is why he needed to be told what's required.

It is a wonder this weekend has been as good as it has, because it struck me that this time last year was when it all began to happen. On my birthday last year, we were having dinner in a restaurant and K received a text message from T (when they were supposedly just exchanging friendly banter), and the other day we drove past the end of the road leading to this restaurant, which we do occasionally, but this time, being close to my birthday, it hit me a bit harder. Also, K was in Ukraine/Poland (he'd gone over on his own) between 4th and 10th April, and this was the week that they had their little 'intimate' liaison, and he began hiding the mobile phone shortly after he returned from this trip. I'm thinking that there will be more triggers likely to come up as the anniversary dates appear this year.

I've been reading on MB about 'reclaiming' the triggers to mean something personally, rather than being associated with the affair parties only. I thought about this the other day as we drove past the hotel in town where they slept together for the first time. It drives me mad every time we pass it. This was where K spent a week last May with the group, in order to save me having to deliver him early and collect him late, then I could get some rest - no need for us both to be tired out. I fully agreed to this plan, and it was planned some time before I discovered the incriminating text messages. I discovered the texts a few days before he was due to go off to the hotel, but being reassured that he'd broken off the 'text/email affair', I let it carry on, little knowing I was sending him off to this love nest. I said recently that I really wish I hadn't trusted his word on this and that I'd made him cancel that hotel booking. The weekend he went to the hotel, I was having a day out with some friends, and on the way home, I received a phone call from K to say that he'd forgotten something. I actually passed the hotel on my way home, but I offered to go home and bring it back for him, and he said it would do when I came to work the next day. I later sent a text saying that if it was urgent I could come back into town, even though I'd only just arrived home. A text came back saying 'room 110, half an hour'. Well, I knew I'd never get back there in that time, so I was trying to ring to ask what he was on about, but the phone was engaged. Anyway, he eventually rang me back and said that he'd sent that text to me by mistake - it was meant for T, she had to go through some translations with him. He has since said that this was the truth - it was only for translations, but I suspect they must have discussed the situation about me finding the text messages, because, as I've mentioned previously, when he rang T to tell her that I'd found her texts, and she asked if it was over, K had said, 'not necessarily'. I asked why they couldn't have done the translations in the hotel lounge, and he agreed that they should have done, although this was all hogwash to console me, I now realise. Anyway, to get back to reclaiming triggers, the very mention of the Hotel Ibis sends shivers down my spine, so I had a thought that maybe we should book ourselves into room 110 for a couple of nights (at least we'd be into work early!). Or maybe it would be less traumatic to book into a different Ibis, except the one in which they had yet another midnight liaison in June when the group came over again and they were on a short tour of other parts of the country. Or just a different room in the one in town where we work. Just a thought. Strange what goes through your head. Hope I don't get too hung up on this. I was doing so well.

Anyway, I am off on a little break next weekend with a couple of friends, so I may be late in getting the next installment out (nothing new there, then!). It will be a welcome break for me and a bit of a respite for K. I think it will be the first time we've been apart since the affair confession.

Back to work tomorrow. Harumph!!

Part 6

2007-03-18T15:39:00.000Z

I have very hazy memories of the next few days, really. I have been trying not to keep dwelling on the past, so this is good in a way, but bad for writing this blog!

So, this rollercoaster was about to start up. As mentioned in Part 4, I had sent an email to T, while K was still in the Ukraine, in which I made myself look a complete fool by telling T that she was to stop the intimate emails and texts, assuming quite wrongly that K had previously told her to stop. I also accused her of trying to trap an English man in order to get access to the UK, as I also discovered by chance that she had sent some rather 'familiar' emails to our boss.

This was K's email ending the affair on the night he arrived home:
"Hello T, the situation here is that I have now confessed to D that you and I slept together at the [name of hotel], and that we have continued to send each other e-mails that were more than just about the project. I have also said that it will not happen again and it will not, because I do not want to destroy my marriage. Therefore our contact in future must be about the work only and there must be no intimate messages or mails, because our affair is now over. When the project ends, there must be no more contact between us. There is no need to reply to D's mail to you. K."

A few days after this, I received the following reply to my email (complete with spelling and grammatical errors):
"Dear D
Let me start my reply responding from the very end of your mail. Yes, I DO UNDERSTAND YOU. I realise that I made the situation painful and endangered your marriage. I'm also very sorry for the things have gone out of control in such a direction.
We may be curious about why it happened? I hope K was enough honest to tell you the main reason, although I wonder he has told you everything as it was, making me the main villain of the situation. But my justification? In such a situation? I assume it will be useless and the boundaries of your hatred to me can't move further they have already been. Besides, I don't want to hurt K, for he is the man, I have hardly known before, though it may sound for you quite cynical.
Dear D, I want you to know one thing. The main one is I am not a schemer, and never tried to ruin your marriage, I have never dared think about it. The process of my falling in with K was not my initiative, I have always been a shy and hesitant person, and it was K who made me feel more confident and certain in situation among the people, and, must admit, encouraged me to some kind of feeling gratefulness to him, which unfortunately grew into quite further feeling, that you may have predicted all the situation far ahead.
Another thing, concerning the same issue how could I being planning something knowing unreasonble difference in age and distance and difference of cultures. And it still sounds more ridiculous about my striving for trapping an Englishmn for the sake of getting a British passport. Why should I do that in such a way? But it is still your right to think of me whatever you like, and of course I DO UNDERSTAND YOU, D. I thought old streotypes of perception the people from Eastern Europe have gone but I was mistaking.
Oh my God, writing provoking things to [name of boss] with the same purpose, despite of all my knocked down situation does look very misleading. Yes, I texted once to [name of boss], without knowing clearly that it was his number to inform that I got visa, and mailed him after our first visit to UK a thankful mail of fascinating the country and the people, on behalf of everyone who was with me that time. You can have a point there it might look too familiar but it was my mischivous humour about his purchases in Ukraine, which doesn't mean my scheming by no means. Another thing is I am not a native speaker and trying to tel more it may have looked familiar or informal, but it wasn't.
Anyway, D, I must admit, it is no use to write you more, for I am not trying to make myself better than I am. I must also tell you it is not a pure chance of my fascinating K, it was not only me who liked him. All the ladies from our project are fond of K, and I think it is just flattering for you to know remarkable features about your husband. He is really worth such a strong love as you must have to him (and I have had misfortune to experience it either). Both of us wanted to seek things we were lacking in our marriages, and it was the main reason of our straying, which I must regret severely as I also put at stake the peace in my own family, which could result still more sadly for my kid, not only for my husband.
I am sure K will see this painful mail of mine, for it is really hard for me to write it. However, I decided not to go to bed without replying you, as even having found myself in such a disgraceful situation, being honest is the principal thing for me. I've never escaped from apologising, whatever situation arose. It is very important to admit defeat, I'm sure, though the situation has occured to me for the first time, and will never appear again. I cannot say I've lost, as there was no fight, I suppose.
If you are still have any questions to me or any other warnings, you arewelcome, English is always preferable language for me to write in any situation. You haven't taken into concideration that my bitter humour (which does help me in my hard life) was misperceived several times, and not only by you. And what concerns English I always wanted to correspond in this language, improving it, translating lots of materials about our curriculum etc. for [name of university] at the start of the project, entirely free, without thinking it may cause problems to anyone.
Again I say 'sorry' for all pains I have brought to you, please, take care of K, as I still have some deep feeling to him in spite of the situation he has created for me. T.
[This last bit is a killer. I'm not sure if this really happened or not]
P.S. Another thing I wanted to admit to you, your impressive skills and inteligence in IT, for hacking requires these features [referring to me getting into K's emails - no big deal, I guessed the password!]. I do believe that hacking into my bank account, just today before opening my mail-box, making it empty, was only pure coincidence."

Then came the start of the bitterness in an email to K the following day:
"I regret very much about my too kind reply, for afterwards, I felt I had been treated like the worse person from the dive not by D (one can understand her) but by you; as what can I think of you after noticing that the weekend mail was not brutal only, but also looked being dictated by D, or simply written by her hand on your behalf. The thing I had expected was that it would be over but in not such a cruel for me way, because I presume gentlemen are good mannered gentlemen not only for deceited wives but at least not so heart-breaking for the women they used to deceit with. And you have also deceited me for such a long period of time, telling, or lying about your feeling, but aching only for sensory, physical and emotional experiences which you couldn'd find within your marriage, calling it later Fitting to simplify your feeling to the lowest. I also dare to assme that it was your own idea to ask D to mail me, as you wanted to get rid of me, being embarassed and puzzled with my consuming feeling, which I had misfortune to feel to you. I am still at a loss with all that bare truth, being close to do something not to see you again, for I used to tell you, that I am too steady in my feeling, and for me all connected with emotional state, feeling or opinion isn't used in continious, i.e. has no temporary action, plenty of time should pass to heal my wounds. [should anyone be able to decipher the meaning of the previous sentence I would be very grateful] Even after your brutal Elbow I still can't pull through, the way it has been done by you has totally knocked me down.
I have nothing more to tell you, all my gratefulness I expressed in my text, which you haven't replied leaving for D to read your mail and my reply and to deserve her faster forgiving you and cooling her blood.
By the way have you told her about your feeling like spring chick with reminds of me? How long will you be getting out of that inglorious feeling to Ukrainian who wanted to trap you or to ask for favours to ease my passage across the countries. I really thought ladies from secular society were off stereotypes of 'cold war times'. [So this is now the second time she has refuted my accusation - keep counting!]
I can say neither regards nor take care of you (I am not lady from refined society) I am only suffering and finishing my painful mail full of tears never to do it again. T."

To be continued.

I don't need therapy!

2007-03-16T12:45:00.000Z

Or so it seems.

My GP referred me for some counselling a little while ago. This was at my suggestion, as a few people had said it would be helpful. Anyway, it turned out to be a waste of time, as the only thing that was offered was a group session along with a 9-month wait to see a psychologist. No thank you!!

So, this week I contacted a private counselling centre and booked a session, which I had last night. We chatted and I explained what had been happening these last few months, she asked a few questions, and decided that she couldn't really do any more for me as I seemed to be doing the right thing already. I have read tons of self-help/positive thinking books in the past, so I knew what I should be doing; it was actually doing it that was the problem. I thought perhaps I should have gone sooner, but I think I would still have had the 'doing' problem, despite being told the theory by the counsellor.

I have decided to continue with this blog, and I am also going to keep a personal journal in which I can write down my worries/thoughts as they appear, then try to work through them logically, and possibly discuss them with K, instead of having these thoughts festering for days resulting in another low mood which then ends in tears and/or angry outbursts. I suspect, though, that they are now getting fewer and further between. I feel there is, at last, a light at the end of the tunnel.

Apologies for the short post!

Part 5 - D-Day

2007-03-03T21:27:00.000Z

I had a bit of a break from blogging, as I was unsure whether this was helping me at all. K certainly thinks that writing this blog, and looking at the Marriage Builders site, is holding me back and keeping me in the 'affair' mindset, and that this is why I am constantly upset. Last time I updated the blog, K came up behind me and gave me a hug and noticed a bit of what I was writing, and later made a comment about some of the terminology I was using - that it was causing me more upset to keep reliving the events and talking about it in such a way, and he was concerned that the most upsetting part was about to come. So I decided to let this rest for a while, although I have still been looking at the MB website, but I haven't posted anything for some time - just keeping up to date with other stories. As it didn't appear to be making much difference whether or not I blogged or looked at MB, I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't these things holding me back, it's just the natural recovery process that I needed to work through. I have been improving a little, and I think it may have been getting back on the HRT that has helped to improve my moods (I came off it as I thought I didn't really need it and would persevere with the natural remedies for the menopausal symptoms). It's a problem knowing whether the mood swings and depression are due to the affair or the menopause - could be a bit of both, I suppose. Anyway, on with the tale.

I was due to collect K from our boss's house quite late in the evening, so there was a whole day to kill before seeing him. As the day went on I became a nervous wreck. After cleaning the house from top to bottom and still being at a loss as to how to get through the day, I rang my sister and she came straight round for some moral support. I had not said anything to her before now, due to the fact that her husband had left her for another woman, and I knew what her attitude would be. (In fact he left her shortly after we got married, so she has been on her own for 25 years. They were divorced a few years later, although the relationship with the other woman did not last. She is 18 years older than me.)

We discussed the suggestions on the MB site, one of which is to expose the affair - to workplace, relatives, etc. This is intended to get help in convincing the wayward spouse to end the affair, but I wasn't too sure of this plan, so initially I decided to email the project leader, who is an English man living in Poland and married to a Polish woman. I asked him to remove T from the project before the next visit over there took place, telling him that there had been innapropriate communication between K and T, which was as much as I hoped had happened up to that point. He replied quite quickly, saying that he knew T had an obsessive personality, especially when it came to contact with male friends. He tried to reassure me that he had seen no innapropriate behaviour between them, but conceded that they could have been very good at hiding their relationship. How true this was!! He also put forward the suggestion that T could have been trying to trap a Briton in order to get into the UK, a suspicion I already had in my mind. My sister stayed with me until K called and I set off to pick him up.

I arrived at our boss's house a little early, and tried to look as normal as possible in front of his wife. Inside I was trembling. They soon arrived and we all had a cup of tea and a bit of a chat, with me still trying to look calm, before K and I set off for home. I had at some point realised that, over the past few months, when K had been answering my questions about his dealings with T, he was either looking over my shoulder whilst hugging and reassuring me, or looking away from me, or getting frustrated and making me think I was just being paranoid ("why can't you trust me and believe what I'm saying?"). This time I wanted him to look me in the face while answering, but as it was getting rather late, and we had a journey of almost an hour to get home, I really needed to say something soon, so my questioning started as soon as we got in the car. I do now wish I had waited, as we didn't get to bed until the early hours anyway. And I wish I had been more calm - this was a bit of a heated conversation. And I was driving. This is the jist of what was said - not verbatim.

D: "So tell me what that email from T was all about"
K: "It's her sense of humour, and she apologises for her misuse of the language" [must be about the 10th time I heard that one - don't know who came up with that excuse]
D: "She knows damn well what she's saying and so do you. I want to know what's going on. Have you slept with her?"
K: "No"
D: "Because if you have, you are having an HIV test before you come near me again" [wish I could have seen the look on his face at this]
K: "I don't need an HIV test"
D: "OK. Good. So what on earth is going on then? Because this all seems a bit too far-fetched to me and I just don't know what to believe any more."
I then started to say something else and was cut off with.....
K: "OK, I have slept with her"
D: [lots of expletives and ranting and raving]

Can't remember much more of the conversation, but I did ask if he'd used any protection, and he admitted that he hadn't. I went mad at that, and was incensed that he had been so stupid as to put both our lives in danger in that way. He said he was going to end the affair when the project ended and then secretly go for an HIV test. I am not sure at what point he planned to do that. Maybe have another session with her on the November visit and then go and get tested, after exposing himself even more. I don't think he had even thought about this scenario till I mentioned the test in the car that night. [K said to me later that he had mentioned using protection, but she said that she was at a safe point in her cycle (like that is 100%, and whether it was true or not we will never know - could be that she would have been glad to get pregnant) but then K admitted that he had had a vasectomy anyway, so they should be OK. It never even entered his head about HIV.]

We carried on for a while and as we reached a point not too far from home I sensed a funny feeling in my legs. I tried to concentrate on the road, but my legs were just going numb. Luckily we were approaching a layby, so I pulled in. K looked over at me and I said I had to stop for a minute. As the car came to a halt my whole body began to shake and I just sat there with my head on the steering wheel, trembling uncontrollably. I felt a hand on my back and we just sat there for a few minutes in silence. I was in total shock. As we had already resumed our sexual relationship some time ago, I became very anxious that the worst had already happened. K took over the driving for the remainder of the journey.

When we arrived home our minds were in a bit of a blur and we did not do things very logically from this point onwards. First thing we did was hug each other. I think we were both so relieved that the secret was out. On the journey home I had told K that I had emailed M (the project leader) so I fired up the computer and showed him the email and M's response. I can't quite remember how we arrived at the next decision, but K asked to use my Hotmail account to email T and tell her it was all over, which he did. It was short and to the point, and a few days later, when T sent a 'sob-story-email', he regretted it being so blunt. He appeared to suggest that I'd forced him into it and dictated what to say, which in some respects this was true, but the main thing I recall of that night was mentioning the MB recommendations for a 'no-contact' letter, showing him the format of what to say (I had printed it off a few days before), and it appeared to me that the email was broadly along those lines. I certainly did not force him into it.

So, then came the rollercoaster ride of recovery!

Part 4

2007-02-15T21:23:00.000Z

Things didn't improve as time went on. I continued to get more health problems, and was still very anxious about the continued contact between K and T. K would get mad every time I asked if she'd been in contact and whether it was only project matters she was discussing. K said it was, but, as I now know, this was not the case. I gradually lost interest in everything I normally enjoyed doing, but did force myself to go out on a few occasions. I managed to keep going to work - probably the only thing that kept me sane.

I started looking up my symptoms on the Internet and almost scared myself to death, so I had to stop that. I have never before spent so much time visiting the doctor, but it didn't really help anyway. I assumed that it was all due to the stress. I discovered later, when I started with hot flushes, that it was, in fact, the menopause that I'd been plunged headlong into, due to the stress. In the meantime, I was referred to the hospital for an investigation into the diarrhoea. The test itself, which was in September, wasn't very pleasant, and they had to abandon it as I was in some discomfort. The worst part was the prep I had to take the day before to clear me out - it tasted foul, made me feel really sick, and the whole experience was not very pleasant at all. This problem turned out to be nothing obvious, and it cleared up soon after the test.

Prior to this, the EE team had made another visit to the UK in June. K did not stay with them this time, but they did have to spend a couple of nights away as they were travelling out of the region. Our boss went too, but he likes to have his own room, so again K was not sharing. Despite all the usual reassurances that their interactions were being conducted on a professional basis, I was later told that they had slept together during one of these trips.

So, I was still in the dark about what had really been going on, but the stress was almost killing me. I really was not convinced that it was as innocent as K was saying. A few months passed and then there was another trip over there by K and his boss, along with another colleague. I decided that I was just being paranoid about all this, and needed a break, so I booked myself into a hotel in the Lake District for some rest and relaxation and pampering for a couple of days while K was away. I dropped him in town, as he wanted to go into work before meeting our boss for the trip to the airport in order to collect something and check emails, then I carried on to my destination. All the time K was away I was receiving text messages saying all was OK and professional, but something was still bugging me.

A few weeks before this trip, I had made a mental note of a password that K had used to get into a website, and wondered whether this was the same as his work email account. I knew that it was possible to check it via webmail, but he'd changed this password on his mobile phone account, so I was unsure whether this would still be valid for the email account. Looking back, I really should have made use of this information much earlier, but when I returned home I decided to try and log in to the emails. I was convinced that there would be nothing there. To my surprise I managed to log in, but with this system you can't see all the personal folders, just the basic Inbox, Sentmail, etc. Searching through what was visible, there was no trace whatsoever of any contact to or from T. I looked in the Deleted box and that was empty, but then I noticed an icon which enabled the recovery of deleted messages. At the very top was an email from T that K had deleted from the Inbox but had failed to delete all evidence of. If this email hadn't been there, I would probably still be in the dark now. The message started with an answer to a query about someone meeting them at the airport, but then finished with "I will be dreaming of you for 3 nights. LLLLLLL TTTTTTTT".

I rang K that night - it was the usual pleasantries to start with. He answered the phone in quite a flustered manner, telling me they were all just having dinner, as if they were just starting and he didn't really want to talk to me or be disturbed, but as the conversation continued it turned out they were actually just finishing the meal. I could not hold back any longer and mentioned the email I'd found. He was angry, and confused, and told me that he had asked T to stop the personal emails and texts, but that he couldn't stop her from doing it. He reassured me (yet again) that he had asked her to stop on numerous occasions and that she had apologised for her misguided sense of humour, some of which was supposedly due to her misuse and misunderstanding of the language. Now, as she is an English teacher, I thought this to be a bit of an odd statement. I was not convinced. After a short conversation, the phone went dead - K's credit had run out.

So the rest of the week was terrible. I could hardly eat, sleep or function normally at all, and lost even more weight. It was during this week that I found the Marriage Builders website, which gave me some useful tools to work with regarding infidelity, although I did not follow the guidelines exactly as recommended. I was now convinced that there was more to this than met the eye. Although the subsequent texts from K were of a reassuring nature, they did not help to ease my worry at all. As I now had her email address, I decided to send her a message. I mentioned this to K when I rang, so he warned her that this may happen. In my ignorance of what had really happened between them, and half believing K's story that he had asked her to stop contacting him in a familiar, personal manner, my email was very forceful in trying to reinforce this request, and I told her to keep all contact on a professional level until the end of the project, and then make no further contact at all when the project ends. How foolish this appears now, in light of what I subsequently discovered.

Then came the day K was due home.

Update

2007-02-04T18:37:00.000Z

OK, so I've deleted the previous two posts, as I seem to have moved on from that episode now (sorry if you don't know what I'm talking about). We had a lovely Silver Anniversary weekend at a hotel in Dorset on the south coast. Four poster bed, sea views, excellent food, reasonable weather - very nice. Apart from the horrendous traffic due to roadworks on the way home, making our journey over 7 hours! We decided to ring into work the next day and have an extra day off to recover, as it was getting on for midnight when we crawled into bed. Some photos from our trip below.

We went to a local shopping mall yesterday and K bought me a lovely silver necklace, along with the matching earrings as an early birthday present, as I didn't want to wait (till March) in case the style was discontinued. So they are gift wrapped ready, but I'm told I can open them if I want. We also went into one of the restaurants and had dinner before coming home and watching a DVD film (Mr and Mrs Smith, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - quite an enjoyable caper).

Before I continue the saga, I am pleased to say that I think the clouds are at last lifting from my head, although I still think about things now and again. Occasionally, I will be going about my business and suddenly realise that I have not thought much about the affair for some time. I'm taking lots of herbal remedies for my menopause issues, which appear to be working well. I ditched the HRT with no ill effects. I am also taking a more natural product for the depression and mood swings, and this appears to be helping me to sleep better as well, unlike the prescription anti-depressants which kept me awake, among other side effects. So, I feel I am now on the road to recovery, and a lot sooner than I thought it would happen as well. I suppose I just made the decision that I have to stop torturing myself and try to move on (perhaps the tablets are helping, but I'm not about to stop them just yet to test this theory). It's happened and there's not a lot we can do about it now. There are still some things about it that I can't forgive, but I have to forgive to some extent, even if, at least at the moment, I can't forget. But, according to one of the books I read (How Can I Forgive You?), you don't have to forgive everything, or you can choose not to forgive at all - simply accept it instead. I think I have accepted some things and forgiven others, but things may change as time goes on.

The view from our hotel bedroom. We'd put the cameras in the car before breakfast on our last morning, so this was taken with my mobile phone.

Taken on one of our walks, looking back at the village. The hotel is the large building just to the right of centre. It was a very peaceful place, down a very narrow country lane, so there was no traffic noise - just birds singing.

From even further up the hill. We were well and truly jiggered by the time we'd climbed up here. We certainly should be fitter!!

A nearby bay, part of the Jurassic Coastline, with these incredible eroded cliffs. We did not climb this one!! There were a few Fulmars flying around the cliffs and a couple of Peregrine Falcons perched waiting for lunch. The area is a hot-spot for fossil-hunting.

A Respite

2007-01-22T12:51:00.000Z

I'm not too sure that this blog is helping, but I'll see how it goes. I have been told that I am reading too many infidelity books and this is what's dragging me down. I am quite depressed at the moment and can't think straight at times. It's hard getting the message across to K sometimes, as he's OK, he's been boosted by someone telling him how wonderful he is. I, on the other hand, have had the stuffing knocked out of me, so how am I supposed to feel. I keep thinking I will be OK, then down I go again. On the bad days I want to jack it all in; on the good days I think we will be OK. Trouble is, even on some of the good days I've had in the recent past I have wanted to jack it in.

I keep having a look at the Marriage Builders site now and again, just to get some further insights into my predicament, and to see if the stories of recovery might give me some hope. I was told a while ago that I was placing too much store on their principles, but there are some very moving and apt posts on there, such as this one. Some things just cry out to you and explain exactly how you feel, so you know you're not alone and that what you're feeling is normal. There are some things that I wish I hadn't taken in so blindly, but on the whole the site has been helpful. I suppose people in the US and the UK have a different way of dealing with things like this.

I just wish that it would all go away and I could get on with life. I know it won't be the same. I keep looking at K and I don't know how to relate to him sometimes, and yet he's acting like nothing happened. Perhaps that's the key - pretend it never happened and just get on with it. He said he thought doing this would help me move on - to get back to normal as quickly as possible. Can't do it, I'm afraid - can't look at it that way. Not yet anyway. We may come out of this with a better relationship than before, but this thing will always be in the background. You can't forget, even if you forgive. Perhaps I am my own worst enemy in this - perhaps I should take note of all the positive thinking books I've read in the past. I keep trying, I really do, but something is pulling me back all the time. I've been referred to a counsellor, so we'll see what that entails. I can't go on like this. All this menopause stuff isn't helping me either. And it's obvious now that some of these problems (the painful sex and the loss of libido) were coming on some time ago, probably shortly after the hysterectomy, but I didn't realise it at the time.

Part 3

2007-01-21T21:30:00.000Z

Over the next few weeks and months, things were a little haphazard and seemed to go by in a blur, so I hope this isn't going to get too confusing.

So, thinking that everything was now on a professional level between K and T, we continued to talk about what may have led to his affair. Apparently, K thought I was taking him for granted, and he also resented the fact that I spent a lot of time on the computer, neglecting other things. And I often used to doubt what he was saying, apparently, which made him mad. I don't really see that these were reasons to have an affair, though. We could have talked about our problems and sorted out the misunderstandings. So, what did K do that bothered me? A few things actually - his superior manner, quick temper and impatience for a start. Making me feel very small. Sometimes I said nothing just for a quiet life. Anyway, we now appeared to be working things out and coming to some understanding of our previous problems, but there was something still not quite right, I felt.

One thing K mentioned was that he felt he did not have any 'real' friends to talk to, which is why he wanted to keep in friendly contact with T. I felt as if I was depriving him of some pleasure by saying they shouldn't still be friends after sharing intimate messages with her. He also mentioned that he had enjoyed some intellectual conversations with T. I'm not sure what sort of intellectual subjects they discussed, but this was quite a blow to my self-esteem, as I have never been able to converse on this level with K. He also said that if it hadn't been T, it would have been someone else, as he had been 'looking' for something like this to happen. Anyway, K reassured me that all contact would end when the project finished, but through probing I found out that T had asked if they could keep in contact, and K's reply to her was that he would keep in contact. When I reminded him of his promise to me that contact would end, he said he'd forgotten he'd said that!

When K returned from his week with the group, our sex life gradually resumed, although very carefully due to my previous problems, but we seemed to be coping and being more affectionate towards one another. He'd mentioned at some point during this time that this 'friendship' with T wasn't about sex, it was the friendship that was the main attraction, but much later admitted that he was spurred on by the 'thrill of the chase'. During one of my tearful episodes (which were/are quite often), K asked how I would have reacted if he had slept with her. [Later on, he admitted that the real question on his mind was, "what would D be like if she knew that I had slept with T."] I bought a book about infidelity that described the different types of affairs. It was apparent (so I thought at the time) that this was an emotional affair, which is still devastating to the betrayed person - it's the very fact that someone you care about has had an emotional connection with someone else. The deceit and lies and the blow to the self-esteem still hurt as much as a physical affair. I showed this chapter to K, who appeared to understand that this was still a serious issue and again reassured me.

K also felt the need to tell me of one incident while he was staying with the group in May. The story goes that it was a cold day and, as K and T were walking back to the hotel from the office, where they had been going over some translations, K complained that his hands were cold, so T asked if anyone would see them and grabbed his hands to warm them. Just at that moment, a couple who work with K saw them and spoke to them. As this couple know us both, K thought he should own up about this incident in case I heard it from them. Needless to say, that sent me into another tearful episode. K went mad at me for overreacting, then apologised. He just wanted me to get over this so he could have a quiet life and get on with his affair unhindered, but still have a normal life at home. Cake-eating, I believe it's called.

The main problem to me was that they needed to stay in contact, as the project was still ongoing to the end of the year, and there was another visit over here for the EE team, in June, and two visits over there for K and his boss, in October and November. This was a real sticking point for me, thinking that this continued contact could make things progress further (but not knowing that it already had). I kept getting very upset and we had many arguments over my worries, which K kept saying were unfounded, and he would lose his temper whenever I tried to ask another question about T and what she was saying. He kept telling me I was not to worry - that I had nothing to fear from T. [He later justified this statement to mean that he wasn't going to leave me and run off with her - I, on the other hand, assumed that it meant there was nothing going on between them. Just another case of the 'affair-speak'] All this time my health was deteriorating and I just knew something else was wrong, but thought I was being paranoid. [Apparently, T used to ask how K's weekend had been, and he would tell her how upset I'd been. What he didn't tell her was that our sex life had resumed during this time. She was telling him to "be strong". Gag!!!]

At my request K took his phone off the silent setting so that I could hear the texts coming in, but despite his asking T not to send messages when he was at home, she persisted in doing so. Thinking she was now only sending project questions, and a few chit-chat texts, nothing intimate, I suggested that he get another phone and leave that one at work so that we wouldn't be disturbed at home - big mistake!! (She even sent a text on the Saturday morning after K returned from his week with them, when we were supposed to be starting to repair our relationship. I think it was project-related, but asked K to tell her we were having a serious discussion about our relationship and she was not to text again. But having slept together for the first time just that week, it was obvious that their relationship was just hotting up!) His phone bills had gone from £2 a month to over £30 a month for at least three months. At one stage I guessed the password and logged on to his online account record to check his calls and saw that it was still high. K commented that foreign calls take longer to appear on the acccount and that his calls had gone down. He changed the password, but he did later send me a screen-grab of the last month's calls from the account as proof that the calls had gone down. He said he was replying by email rather than texts, but I don't know what happened after that as I could no longer get into the account.

We had time off work to take a break to try and reconcile, but this did me no good at all for some reason. I just could not settle back into any routine. My health issues just became another problem for me to cope with at this difficult time.

Part 2

2007-01-13T07:21:00.000Z

I have altered the template so that the text is wider. I thought the other one was too long and narrow, due to the length of the posts. It's hard knowing where to make the breaks - it all seems to roll into one.

On the morning that we were talking about the text messages, I asked K if he had slept with T. He told me no, but that it may have led to that if I hadn't found out about the messages. He admitted that they had kissed on the day that he was flying home from his visit in April. She was showing him around the city and he said it was a romantic place. I assumed that this was how it all began, that they were just overwhelmed by the romance of the city and decided to kiss (not very likely now I look at it - amazing what I believed in those early days). [I discovered later that they had, in fact, had an intimate encounter in the hotel, but didn't sleep together on that trip.] At first, K told me that it all started when T sent an email in which she appeared to indicate that she fancied him, and that he just started playing along with her. This led me to think that maybe she was trying to trap a British man in order to get a visa to this country. I later discovered that this was not the case, but that K had started to email her after the group had visited here in February - it then ignited further during K's trip over there in April. Apparently, K was becoming disillusioned with our relationship and he actually did all the running. T, being in an unhappy marriage herself, was swept up with the attention and was drawn in. K actually said to me that if it hadn't been T it would have been someone else - he was 'looking' for something like this.

I also discovered, by a chance comment made by our boss, that she had sent 'familiar' emails to him early on in the project (further fuelling my belief that she was after trapping someone into marriage), but this was later dismissed by her as just excitement at the chance to meet British people and visit the country.

So, a couple of days after our chat, and thinking that everything was over and done with, I dropped K at the station for him to go off for his week with the group. The hotel where they were staying is in the city where we both work, so he would walk from the hotel and meet me near where I work and we would have a short chat before he went off with the group. Every morning of that week, K would reassure me that T was keeping their interactions on a very professional level. Our boss was there with them during the day, but as he lived in the same city, he simply came in every day from home. I was getting rather anxious part way through the week, so K actually came home for one night to reassure me. [What I wasn't aware of at this time, and not for some time later, was that they had already slept together that week.]

It was during this week that I started to suffer with diarrhoea, a complaint that went on for four months (I thought I had IBS, brought on by the stress), and this entailed a very painful colonoscopy examination, although by the time the appointment came round (September) it had more or less gone. By that time I had lost a stone and a half in weight (21lbs/9.5kg - approx). I also came out in an itchy rash around the waistline on my right side (I still have the remnants of this and it flares up occasionally). Also, a host of other very vague symptoms appeared - funny head pains and dizziness, other skin complaints (lumps and bumps), insomnia, etc, etc. Researching on the Internet is not a good idea! I had every ailment going by the time I'd done. It was only when, two or three months later, I had a strange hot flush that I found out I'd been plunged into raging pre-menopause, again due to the shock. I now realise that other random symptoms I've had over the last few years could also be attributed to the menopause coming on. All the symptoms at once, though, is not very nice. One thing that really upset me during this time, is that when I received my hospital appointment to see the surgeon prior to my examination, K wasn't even going to come with me - he was assuming that I would be fine going on my own. When asked about this, he said "I'll come with you if you want". He did in the end, but that's wasn't the point - it was as if my suffering wasn't that important to him.

So after his week with the group, K came home on the Friday night, after a trip to London with the group. He was supposed to be staying overnight, but I managed to persuade him to cancel his stay and come home. I suspected later that he thought it would be another night that he could spend with T. We were chatting on the Saturday morning when a text message came through. K told me it was T about a project matter. He'd just had a hectic week and she was worrying about some translation problem (supposedly). I said to tell her we were trying to get ourselves back together and she was to text only in work time. He sent a text but I don't know if that's what he told her.

So, there I was, thinking it was all over before anything serious had happened. I had planned a nice surprise for when he came home. I thought I should let him know that I really did want to make a fresh start, so made plans for a romantic evening - dim lights, soft music, massage - the works. On the Saturday evening I got everything prepared and when K went into the bedroom he looked at me and didn't know what to make of it. So we gave each other a soothing massage and very nice it was too. I thought we were on the road to a renewed relationship.

Part 1

2007-01-11T15:01:00.000Z

It's a little confusing knowing how to start. If I had been writing this at the time of these events, I would be writing as I was seeing it then, but with the benefit of hindsight the story is different. However, I will start and see where we go, perhaps making reference to things relevant or discovered since.

K became involved in a project at work in November 2005, in collaboration with professionals from eastern Europe, and there were visits in both directions. K and his boss went over at the start of the project to meet all the participants and set up some meetings and visits, etc. Then, in February 2006 the foreign team came over here. I met all of them and we all went out to eat a couple of times during the week. K obviously spent days with them as well, arranging visits, etc.

[FLASHBACK] As we were meeting up for one the evening meals, T (the other woman) came into the hotel foyer wearing a jacket that she had bought in town that day. I admired it and stroked the soft collar. She gave me what I can only describe as an icy stare. Only later did I think that this may have been a look of disdain and she already had designs on K, or something was already brewing. Nobody else saw this exchange, and she knew it. Recently K had a 'farewell' email from her, and he had obviously told her at some point that I'd mentioned this incident, as she mentioned it in the message, saying it was not a look of superiority, saying that it was "a short glance of disappointment when you introduced me to your wife, as I expected to see as elegant and refined lady as her husband proved to be". Needless to say I said not to reply to this email, which is what she wanted, and what she has been trying to do with numerous sympathy-fishing emails since she was told it was over. In any case, she is wrong, as we'd been introduced already two days before that.

Next visit was in April 2006 for UK team to go over to eastern Europe. Unfortunately, K's boss could not go so K had to go on his own. It was here that things obviously began to happen. When K returned home, he was telling me all the tales of where they (the group) went, what happened, etc. He also mentioned that T would like to text to practise her English (she speaks four or five languages and can translate instantly between some of them, and she teaches English!!). Me being very naive, said that was fine. And the fact that she was using text-speak also didn't really hit me till much later!! So much for practising English.

So the texts start coming. He never revealed everything she was saying, only when it was about the project or fairly innocent banter. K's phone was on the loudest setting and I kept jumping out of my skin when it went off, so I asked him to turn it down. What he actually did was put it on silent. I then noticed that he was keeping it in his pockets and not leaving it on the table, stairs or bed as he normally did. I would sometimes come into a room and he would be texting. I asked if it was T and he mentioned she had another problem with some translation. I became very suspicious at this point, but had no way of getting the phone as he was keeping it very close at all times.

There was a visit in May for the EE team to come to the UK, and because it had been a bit tiring for K on the last of their visits, travelling back and forth from home early every day and getting back late, he decided he would stay in town in the hotel with them. All the bookings had been made a long time before, and I had been OK with this, as I too had been having to take him into work on my way to work and pick him up from the station at night, so it was tiring for me as well. As the visit loomed closer I was wondering how to handle this suspicion. Should I say something without the proof and look a fool? Should I forget it as me being paranoid? I did find it strange that a few days before, K had mentioned the fact that he had booked himself a single room as he didn't want to be with them 24/7. Even though he didn't need to tell me the sleeping arrangements, he felt it necessary to justify why he needed a single room. Again this got bells ringing.

A few days before he was due to go and meet them, I noticed his mobile phone on the bed and it was switched on. Shaking, I went to the messages and the first one I saw confirmed my suspicions. "My dearest darling K, I don't know who is more fright [sic] of D [me], you or me. etc - I was shaking so much I never got to see any more or what K had said to her. That night I was trying to pluck up the courage to say something. Eventually I blurted out, "Is something going on between you and T?" "Not exactly" was the reply. "What's that mean, yes or no?" I got all the waffle about just good friends etc. So I asked why he was keeping the mobile phone so close. His answer was total bull, something about not expecting many calls, which I couldn't fathom why that would mean you kept the phone clamped to you. Anyway, then I got the "I'm flattered that you think someone would fancy me" lines. So I said that if he had nothing to hide, would he be happy for me to see what she's been saying. He said he would, but then I made the fatal mistake of leaving the room, giving him time to wipe the lot!! When he did hand me the phone, he said there's nothing there I cleared them all out this morning. Could have kicked myself.

We didn't sleep too well, and next morning I was very upset. I admitted that I had seen the text and that I knew something was going on. I mentioned that I had thought that it would be a new start when we moved into this new house and K was very moved by this, admitted that it was getting a bit too friendly and that he would nip it in the bud and tell her that day that the personal messages had to end. On the way home I asked if he had done this and he said yes. K told me that she rang straight back saying she cared very deeply for him, and he said he'd told her any future contact was to be only about the project. I said if you want to go, you can. He said no, he wanted to stay with me and make amends, and that what I'd said about the new start had affected him deeply.

[What I didn't know until only the other day was that when she rang and asked him if it was over, he said "not necessarily". He has mentioned to me previously that he was lying when he was telling me that he'd asked her to stop sending the personal stuff, but I didn't know he was talking about this incident as well. I really thought he was genuine at that time and had really told her to stop, but obviously he was not as affected by my comments as he made out to be.]

Some Background

2007-01-07T18:22:00.000Z

K and I met at work - it was my first job after leaving school at 16, and K had just moved from another job - he was 25. We started chatting at the office Christmas party that same year - 1975. I can't really remember much about those early days, other than it seemed really strange having an 'older' boyfriend with a car. Both of us are from similar backgrounds, but whereas K was given the opportunity to go to university, I was more or less forced to leave school and earn a wage to pay my way at home. We dated for quite some time and when K finally bought his own apartment I moved in, then we married a couple of years after that, in 1982 (it's our Silver Wedding anniversary on the 29th of this month). We decided quite early on not to have any children.

I left that job after a couple of years and decided to train to become a nurse, a career I had for over 20 years. A few years ago I decided to follow a different path and qualified as an PC technician, although I do not really put this to use in my current job. K decided a few years ago to take another degree and has also had a change of career and now works as a researcher. I work for the same boss, but in an admin/IT position in another office.

We have had our ups and downs over the years, as do any couple, but nothing too drastic. On the whole K has been kind, considerate, loving, chivalrous and hard-working. On the other hand he does have a quick temper and a certain lack of patience and tolerance, and occasionally misinterprets some of the things I say and blows them out of context. I used to get quite upset at the way he spoke to me at times, but then learned to defend myself, in a way, by reacting in a similar manner. I also used to be very moody and could carry on a silence for days if something had upset me. I know I can be quite stubborn at times. In essence, though, I think our communication skills were severely lacking. Neither of us was able to say what was really on our mind, and so it gradually festered.

I am not sure exactly when things started to turn in our relationship. I suppose blame cannot really be attributed to one or the other, and I am only looking at how things were from my side of the fence. I have no control over K's perception of my actions or words. I certainly didn't purposely do anything to upset the apple-cart, but I can accept that some of the things I said and did over the years may have caused problems. I must admit that at one stage, a good few years back, I was ready to give up. But K was so good in other ways, I learned to tolerate the downside and just get on with things.

That's not to say we were at each other's throat all the time. For the majority of the time we were quite close. We would hold hands when out walking, have an occasional hug, laughed and joked, shared pastimes, gave each other a kiss when we went our separate ways, etc. But there is one thing that had been lacking in our relationship for some time - one issue that really was not good at all (embarrassing though it is to reveal such personal issues). We had given up on the physical side of the relationship. This, I know, should have been addressed and solved long before now, but I really don't know why it wasn't. So stupid, now I think about it. Perhaps we just got used to it after a while. The reason for this was that, a little while after I'd had a hysterectomy, sex became very painful. I suppose in the beginning, K didn't want to put me through that pain and I didn't want to initiate anything as I didn't want to be in pain either. I suppose the frustration over this may have led to the other issues we had, simply redirecting it into another channel. I didn't know it at the time, but now realise that this could have been the start of the menopausal symptoms I am now experiencing. But what I do know is that none of this is an excuse for having an affair, and I know that couples who have a normal physical relationship still have affairs, so who knows what the outcome would have been if it had been normal for us.

I wish our memories were like the folder tree in Windows Explorer, where there are folders for each aspect of your life: in the left pane are the phases of your life and on the right the memories about those times - the events and experiences of your life, and the files inside those folders are your memories of those events that you bring up now and again, but you can also delete them and forget about them. Your schooldays, your holidays, your wedding day, etc. Oh, here's a new folder I don't want - K's affair. Let's delete that one. Right-click - Delete - Are you sure you want to delete this file? - Yes - GONE!!

So, let's get on with the saga.

An Introduction

2007-01-06T07:34:00.000Z

After much deliberation I have decided to put down in writing the events of the past few months leading up to, during, and following my husband's affair. I hope that writing it down will, in some way, rid me of the bottled up emotions and tension that has affected my health and wellbeing for the best part of the year. I hope with this new year we can have a new beginning and regain some sort of normality, although I realise it won't be the normality we had before, but then that was flawed anyway so it has to be better than that.

I think I am slowly coming out of my fog, but for a time it was very difficult and I couldn't see myself ever getting out of it. It still is difficult in a way, but I'm a little better, both mentally and physically. I was scared that I was going mad, but reading various books and websites it was reassuring in a way that I was not alone in this feeling. Trying to follow advice when you're in such a heightened emotional state is not easy, and we probably did do the wrong thing most of the time, causing even more upheaval. Sometimes, though, the advice on websites can be a little too generic and does not take different personalities into account. Probably this is why counselling helps - the counsellor can see you rather than you just being text on a page. A lot of betrayed women appear to be carrying a grudge against all men, and offer their advice accordingly, even if they've recovered their marriage. I think I was so desperate for a resolution I was blindly following every bit of information I saw and went down a few dead ends on the way.

I have never been one to run to the doctors with every little ailment, but I seem to have spent more time there in the past few months than I have in years. What this affair did to my health was beyond my comprehension, but I'm sure others have experienced a similar situation. I will give more details as the story goes on, but the news of the affair basically kick-started various unpleasant pre-menopausal symptoms which have been quite unsettling to cope with on top of the trauma of the affair (I had a hysterectomy some years ago, so I have been wondering whether menopause would start soon as I have had vague non-troublesome problems in the past few years). I also started with symptoms of IBS, which was the first thing I saw the doctor about. Having diarrhoea for three months is not good! (Yes, I waited that long) For this I was referred to the hospital where I had to undergo a painful examination (I won't go into details!), but this problem did eventually subside. I suspect it was the stress and shock, and it has not returned. I am, however, still struggling with the menopausal stuff, particularly the hot flushes, and the depression/mood swings. I saw the doctor yesterday for a review of the HRT he prescribed before Christmas and finally told him what has been causing all the problems I've been having. He prescribed some anti-depressants, which I am not too happy about, but agreed to give them a go. I would rather go the natural/herbal route, but they haven't been too effective on the whole, so I have to do something.

I'm not too sure what direction this blog will take. I am hoping to post in some sort of chronological order, but events have been so mixed up - like finding out much later about various incidents - and my memory has been a little hazy, so it will probably be a bit back and forth. I know there is already plenty of information out there regarding infidelity, but I hope whoever visits this blog will find something useful to help with their own trauma. I look forward to hearing your comments.